Category: council review

#48: Groton, CT 9/6/16

It’s insane.

It’s reckless.

It’s a city council meeting…in under ten minutes.

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Nine minutes and forty-eight seconds, to be precise. I don’t care how fast you can talk–to let anyone less than a three-term council member attempt this stunt is a Chernobyl-level disaster waiting to happen. But hey, we’re all young once. I say if these kids want to “find themselves,” or whatever, who’s to stop them?

Let’s go zero to 60.

“Are there any recognitions, awards, memorials?” Deputy Mayor Keith Hendrick rattled off like a Texas cattle auctioneer.

“I have one,” jumped in Councilor Andrew Ilvento without missing a beat. “We had our back to school party, and the city is so great about helping put together something that is great for the kids. This year, the Navy came over and brought stuff.”

“Stuff?” Battleships? Torpedoes? Is there time for clarifica–

“K. Receipt of citizens petitions? I see none,” the deputy mayor raced onward. “Any communications and reports?”

Councilor Lawrence Gerrish downshifted and pumped the brakes. “I’ll be having a meeting…uh…very near future on Public Safety, uh, Committee…uh, review of ordinances.”

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Spit it out!

My god, man! We don’t have time for pregnant pauses! Especially not with the hairpin turn Deputy Mayor Hendrick steered straight into:

“Councilor Ilvento is stepping down from the Board of Ed/Town of Groton/City of Groton/RTM Liaison Committee. We need someone to fill that position,” he grimaced, before delivering the kicker: “the next meeting is tomorrow.”

This was a risky maneuver. If no one volunteered, there would be a five-councilor pileup at the halfway point.

“I’m waiting on Councilor [Conrad] Heede,” the Deputy Mayor gestured to Heede’s empty chair. “I thought he expressed an interest in the past, but…is anybody interested in being on that committee?”

“Is that the meeting time always?” inquired Councilor Jill Rusk.

Councilor Ilvento attempted to entice her. “Yes, Wednesdays at 5:30 and they ALWAYS run an hour. They’re VERY good about–”

The Deputy Mayor cut him off to save precious seconds. “I think you had a conflict?” She nodded anxiously.

In the kind of shotgun decision making that might careen any lesser man over the guard rails, Deputy Mayor Hendrick peeled out of this jam in a cloud of smoke and tire tracks.

“I’m gonna see if we can get somebody. I have something scheduled for tomorrow, but if I cannot get someone there…I will show up late so we can be represented at this meeting.”

Great Studebaker’s Horse…it’s minute EIGHT and we STILL haven’t done the energy conservation project! Will they make it?!

Strutting quickly, the gray-haired energy engineer spoke as he rushed the table.

“We’re at the final stages of execution. The annual energy savings, it approaches about a million dollars.”

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I call this guy “Quicksilver.”

“What does this do for us?” the Deputy Mayor fired off with 50 seconds to go.

“What does it do for us? It basically keeps the sub-base in a more competitive position.”

Fifteen seconds on the clock–it’s gonna be a photo finish! 3-2-1…DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?! It passes!

Final thoughts: We had a lot of fun here, but remember: speeding council meetings kill millions of Americans each year. Be safe. Never drink and run a city council meeting.

#47: Victoria, TX 8/30/16

Nothing gets me in a good mood to watch a city council meeting faster than seeing seeing disclaimers like this:

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Boo yah! In and out in less time than a network sitcom! Mayor Paul Polasek, what’s the first item on your agenda?

“First item on our agenda is items from council,” the mayor announced from somewhere beneath his Tom Selleck mustaches. “Do you have anything you wanna discuss?”

“Mr. Mayor, if we can put on the agenda for next meeting to talk about recycling?” Councilmember Andrew Young suggested.

City Manager Charmelle Garrett smiled at the quizzical councilmember and spoke patiently. “You can even talk about it tonight. It doesn’t have to be specifically on the agenda.”

“I kind of thought that, but…” Young trailed off into a grimace, waiting for someone to pry the rest of the thought out of him.

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You can hide a lot of thoughts in Councilmember Young’s hybrid bathrobe/blazer.

“Unless,” the city manager tried to read his mind, “you want it for the public purpose?”

This was like pulling teeth. “Eh, give them an opportunity to come up here and speak…if they’d like,” the councilmember shrugged. Is this guy for real? To be clear: absolutely no one is stopping the good people of Victoria from talking about recycling at ANY council meeting.

Case in point–first public commenter of the evening, the school superintendent:

“I’m here this evening to speak regarding the benefits of the recycle program,” the shiny-domed super read from his book report. “Continuing with the current recycling program would cost Victoria households $2.92 per month.”

$2.92? Wow, that’s a huge bargain! Although this IS Texas, so everything seems huge. Even the bromances.

“We appreciate the work you do. We’re all very proud of y’all achievements,” the mayor beamed at the superintendent.

“We appreciate you very much, too,” the super boyishly grinned. I waited for one of them to say, “I wish I knew how to quit you!” but alas, no takers.

As if on a mission to prove Councilmember Young’s separate-meeting theory wrong, the next commenter was a tall glass of water who wanted to talk about–

“First off, I’d like to echo Dr. Jackson’s comments on the recycling program. I think it’s a small amount for us to continue. Me? The $3 extra a month is no problem.”

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“Hell, I’d give ya $4.”

Closing in on minute 14, the public works director had a brief presentation. “I’ve got some slides with some marked up changes  So this here is the planned project sheet:

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Oh, wow…that’s…hard to read.

“The projects that we have recommended removing, we’ve stricken the Nursery Drive project–”

Mayor Polasek jumped in. “When you say ‘stricken,’ we’re not cancelling these. We’re not NEVER gonna go back and do Nursery Drive. There’s some people out there that would kill us if we didn’t!”

Being Texas, I believe it! Annnnnnddd minute 19–fin!

Final thoughts: I give 10 out of 10 stars to that chemistry between the mayor and the superintendent. Encore!

#46: Orlando, FL 8/29/16

From the home of Disney World comes a city council meeting so magical, so enchanting that it has its own glorious video intro:

“Ladies and gentlemen,” boomed the voiceover, “please welcome our mayor, Buddy Dyer!”

The stock footage abruptly faded to the council chambers, where one sole attendee applauded on cue.

“Whoever had that one clap, I appreciate that,” the mayor lightheartedly quipped as the room roared with laughter.

“Welcome to the January 29, 2016 meeting of the Orlando City Council,” announced His Honor, his brains apparently scrambled from too many rides on Splash Mountain. “We give our commissioners the opportunity to update you on items from their commission district.”

But by the time Commissioner Samuel Ings finished his slideshow of the Sixth Annual Red Tie Celebrity Golf Extravaganza, the mayor had a mea culpa:

“The city clerk let me know that when I called the meeting to order, I said it was the January…or December?”

“January,” the clerk corrected–again.

“Some month other than August,” Mayor Dyer admitted to chuckles. “Hopefully most of you are aware that it is August.”

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“If you’re not aware that it’s August in Orlando, look at a thermometer.”

If you’re having trouble forgiving the mayor for his brain fart, Commissioner Robert Stuart had some words for you.

“Back in April we were listed as the second or third most compassionate city in the country,” he said, introducing his resolution to make Orlando an official “compassionate city”–which is like a regular city, except Commissioner Stuart will kiss your boo-boo, I guess.

The mayor glanced sideways. “Amy, our city clerk, was commenting to me that she didn’t think she was getting enough TV time. So I thought I would let her read the resolution.”

Without missing a beat, she retorted, “You just know I can do it faster than you.” Ladies and germs, the Mayor and Clerk Variety Hour will be here all night!

But not so fast: on deck was a new fee to expand Orlando’s non-cartoon-themed parks. “We’re proposing to collect in three zones,” explained a bespectacled city staffer. “The funds raised in each of those three zones must be utilized in those three zones.”

That didn’t wash with Commissioner Regina Hill, whose zone had lots of low-income housing that wouldn’t pay.

“There’s gonna be no monies generated in that area for improvements in my parks!” she exclaimed, whipping off her glasses. “Especially Lake Lorna Doone, which has needed $4 million!”

The parks director raced to the mic. “Lake Lorna Doone is in the north zone. So all of the revenues generated in the north zone have to be spent in the north zone–”

“But the new residential that will be built…will NOT generate fees,” fired back Hill exasperatedly.

“In the north district, I think the ten-year revenue was about $6 million,” the staffer tried to assuage her.

Hill was apoplectic. “I gotta wait ten years?!”

“Well…over ten years. Yeah,” the staffer meekly responded.

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Commissioner Hill is in full stink-eye mode

At this point, the city attorney stepped into the fracas.

“The reason Lake Lorna Doone was not included in the definition of a regional park is because of its size,” he explained.

“It’s a ‘regional park’ to those that live in that area!” the commissioner mic-dropped.

Final thoughts: Yikes. Looks like a few people didn’t get the message that Orlando is a compassionate city now. I give 8 out of 10 stars to Commissioner Hill. Fight on!

#45: Harrison, AR 8/25/16

Looking like a tough-as-nails judge and sounding every bit like the cattle rancher he is, Harrison Mayor Dan Sherrell jabbed his pen into his notes.

“I had a request to move somebody up from the agenda. I’m gonna put Mr. Matt Bell on there, but if he’s up there too long–” the mayor brandished a hefty wooden gavel and gave a sinister smirk–“mallet comes down in my hand.”

Watch your fingers and toes. His Honor runs a tight, highly punitive ship.

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“I will throw it. I never miss.”

“I approach the council to discuss a variance we’re seeking for the Ride the Ozarks Rally,” Bell beseeched the village elders, “so we can set up a designated area to provide receptacles for the smokers. We are trying to keep our park clean.”

But Councilman Brian Herring didn’t care for this un-American segregation of nicotine. “I’ve heard from several citizens and only one has been for it. I’m for the motorcycle rally but I’m not for the variance.” He shook his head. “So…that’s it.”

Mayor Sherrell leaned forward. “All in favor–”

“I want a roll call,” snapped Councilman Herring. He got it–and lost 6-2.

“Okay,” the mayor clucked with a twinkle in his eye. “I will open it to the floor. Yes sir, Mr. Johnson?”

A balding, red-faced man in the front row stood up. He clutched a sheaf of papers in his left hand.

“Earlier this summer, I was surprised to see a coyote walking down the street I live on. As the summer went on, I saw more coyotes during the daylight hours. I’m afraid to leave my dogs in my fenced-in backyard!”

He looked dead-on at the man in charge. “Mr. Mayor, you said I should talk with my neighbors to see if there is a problem. Well, I have spoken with 103 of my closest and dearest neighbors.” The council guffawed.

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Hmmm, methinks this might be a future city council candidate.

“Most of these people have seen coyotes. When I googled ‘coyote attacks on humans,’ one of the first things is a nice 23-page article.” He yanked it out from his packet and passed it along the dais.

“What has been done to remove coyotes out of this neighborhood?”

The mayor pounced like a mongoose on a chicken’s neck.

“I’ll tell you EXACTLY what’s been done. Animal Control is setting cage traps out there. We’re catching an abundance of skunk and groundhogs and possums.”

Half of the room snickered. The mayor stared menacingly at his challenger, gripping the 23-page article. “Since you’re good with all this stuff, if YOU google how to catch ’em…”

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“I’ve never wanted to throw my gavel so badly.”

He calmed himself and continued. “We have one man that’s willing maybe to trap. He has a regular job, but he said he’ll be willing to do it. We will have to be very, very careful about doing this.”

What “regular job” does this coyote-trapper have? Snake wrangler? Bear tranquilizer? Not many guys sit at a desk all day and moonlight as a wildlife vigilante.

This is exactly what made Councilman Mitch Magness nervous. “Would any of the public…like a child in the area, be-”

“That’s why I’m saying, we’re gonna have to be very careful,” Mayor Sherrell retorted ominously, folding his hands on the desk. Then he leaned back and broke into a gaping smile.

“I’m familiar with coyotes, believe it or not. But how I’d take care of ’em is not probably the way you’ll take care of them.”

#44: Hammond, LA 8/23/16

Louisiana! Land of crawdads and Mardi Gras! Laissez les bon temps rouler on the Hammond city council!

“Mr. President,” drawled Councilman Jason Hood, “several weeks ago I saw an article in our local paper about a young man doing a service project for Miss Louise. I don’t do a lot of this, but I wanted to bring him here”–to show him a good time on Bourbon Street?!–“to recognize him for what he has achieved.”

The councilman added, “Kyle, come on up–I’m gonna give the people an example what kind of person gets this [Eagle Scout] badge: nine Medal of Honor winners were Eagle Scouts. One former president, Supreme Court justice, several astronauts, and numerous prominent, successful businessmen.”

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Hey, kid: if you’re not a president, justice, or astronaut, you’ve let Councilman Jason Hood down.

Oh, sure, overlook the serial killers and ne’er-do-wells who also made Eagle Scout. Come on, council. This is Louisiana–let’s hear about debauchery and booze! Like you, the well-dressed man looking for an alcohol permit:

“We ask all applicants of alcohol permits to come before council to make sure you understand the laws,” lectured council President Michael Williams. “Any sale to minors is not going to be tolerated.”

“Yes, sir. I understand that. Yes, sir,” obediently responded the man as he clutched the podium.

Mayor Pete Panepinto came to his defense. “Mr. Richardson runs a clothing store on the corner. So if he runs it anything like he runs that store, it’s gonna be great.”

Suddenly, a movement caught Williams’s eye. “I’m sorry, Miss Louise?”

A woman with short blonde hair and a blue t-shirt rushed forward and planted herself behind Mr. Richardson.

“I’m sure that you’ve checked the proximity to the church that’s right there as to whether there would be any kind of a–”

Several council members gestured in objection. “Further down! Much further down!”

“Thank you,” Miss Louise said politely, returning to her seat. The council approved Mr. Richardson’s alcohol license.

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Miss Louise: friend of Eagle Scouts, protector of churches

Well, I’ll be damned. I’ve seen more drama at a middle school PTA meeting. Surely there must be someone willing to raise a ruckus in this sleepy burb!

“Ordinance to approve request to rezone a lot at 28 South Orange Street,” President Williams read, glancing up just in time to see a towering woman marching deliberately towards the podium.

“I got held up on a case this afternoon, so I missed the opportunity for public comment,” she brushed aside the council. “But Orange Street is my street. And if you’ll entertain me–”

“Sure,” President Williams murmured.

“I drive down that street several times a day. I’m also secretary for the neighborhood association. Our neighbors are cautiously supportive of the rezoning. But in the future, who’s to say what’s gonna happen with that property?”

She dropped her notes on the podium for emphasis. “We’re here to say that we’re supportive of development…just not forget that we’re back there.”

A long pause lingered. Would someone cue The  Breakfast Club theme? Eventually, President Williams mumbled, “so moved.”

It passed unanimously.

Final thoughts: I give 10 out of 10 stars to Miss Louise for vigilantly protecting the Lord’s House from the scourge of alcohol-serving restaurants.

#43: Laconia, NH 8/22/16

It took a real team effort to carry the Laconia city council meeting across the finish line.

“Time to get going with the city council,” Mayor Pro Tem Armand Bolduc quietly sighed. “So I’m opening up the meeting–”

“Move that a little closer to you,” whispered Councilor Henry Lipman, edging the microphone toward Bolduc.

“Citizen comments?” the mayor pro tem peered out from behind a sprawling potted plant unconquered by hedge trimmers. “I don’t see anybody moving back there, so–”

“That’s just so she can hear you,” Councilor Brenda Baer interrupted as she planted someone’s pocket recorder beside Bolduc’s notes.

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Laconia city council (above) with mayor Marvin the Ficus

Okay, we cool? Can everyone turn up their hearing aid and listen to the busy, busy agenda?

“Interviews…we don’t have any. Communications…we don’t have any,” the mayor pro tem muttered as he slowly moved his finger down the checklist. The seconds ticked by. The fan whirred overhead. Finally, something to talk about:

“With no further ado, I’ll open the public hearing at 7:02,” Bolduc craned his head toward the clock.

“This is on the two solar powered benches?” asked the city manager.

“That’s right,” the mayor pro tem responded. “Free to the city, which we don’t get too often.” He stared at the audience. The audience stared at him. “Anybody have anything to say about it? If not, I’ll close the public hearing at, what…7:03?”

I’m sensing a pattern here. Luckily, one of the councilors had some business.

“I’d like to schedule a meeting to look at the lighting project that we’ve talked about,” said Councilor Lipman. “Replacing the…uh–”

“Street lights?” Bolduc bailed him out.

“Street lights,” Lipman acknowledged, “with…what’s the technical name?”

“LEDs,” tag-teamed Councilor Baer.

“LEDs, thank you.” Whew, this is like defusing a bomb.

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The ESP is strong in this group.

Suddenly, the director of recreation and facilities tossed a wrench into the gears.

“With high pedestrian traffic and a focus on the aesthetic value of the area, the advisory board is recommending stamped, colored, concrete crosswalks” on Lakeside Avenue.

Once again, the council absorbed this news through their collective digestive system.

“The colored concrete crosswalks, we’re gonna spend $60,000 to color what’s already there?” Councilor Baer asked.

“It’s like a brick, but not painted onto the asphalt,” the mayor pro tem attempted to explain.

“It’s a slab,” further clarified Councilor Robert Hamel.

Slabby painted concrete. Got it.

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Would you trust this man with your concrete slabs? I would.

“What kind of timeline do you have? When do you need these?” Councilor Ava Doyle wondered.

“They’re anxious to have information on what we’re gonna do–” the director started, before Councilor Hamel slammed his fist on the table.

“It doesn’t matter! It’s not etched in stone that we have to do it.” (Uh, I think it’s actually painted in concrete.) “WE decide whether we do it or not.”

The council agreed unanimously to get some prices. Also, to take those free solar-powered benches from earlier. As the mayor pro tem adjourned, he noticed the pocket recorder in front of him.

“How do you control this thing?!” he exclaimed, pushing it off to Councilor Baer.

Final thoughts: This was a toughie, but I give 10 out of 10 stars to that plant for being such a dedicated public servant.

#42: Hampton, VA 8/10/16

Major–MAJOR–bombshell at the Hampton city council meeting.

“Before we begin, I’d like to deviate from our normal agenda,” Mayor Donnie Tuck abruptly announced. “Vice Mayor, would you please read?”

“A motion to deviate from the order of business to evaluate the benefits of moving the public comment,” read Vice Mayor Linda Curtis from her notes.

Move the public comment? To where, North Carolina?! Please explain, Your Honor!

“We’ve looked at how we’ve done our public comment section in the past. There’s been a time when it was before the meeting started, then it was moved to the end of the meeting.” The mayor folded his hands.

“What we’ve decided to do was to move it to a point in our meeting where we have our public hearings–following THAT we will have public comments.”

This is madness. Insanity. I’ve never felt more scared…AND MORE ALIVE.

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Mayor Tuck is SO BUZZED from moving the public comment.

Now the fun part: “Would the representatives of the Bay River Rumble 12-and-Under Grey Softball Team please come forward?” the mayor asked as the young athletes marched down the aisle.

“These ladies recently returned from Buffalo, where they won the NSA World Series Championship for girls fast-pitch softball.” He grinned from ear to ear. “We have some backpacks for you.”

After passing out the souvenirs, the mayor again broke into a smile so contagious that Olympic athletes aren’t allowed near it. “I hope my fellow council members will pardon my exuberance but I invited another group to come down”–a summer camp for English language learners.

“We had a wonderful time,” the camp’s director told the council, surrounded by her campers. “Mayor Tuck, I just want to thank you again for inviting us–” she looked to the dais, but His Honor was already sneaking up behind her. “Here you are!” she laughed as he ambushed them with more gift bags.

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Watch out! He’s behind you! BEHIND YOU!

Finally, time for high-risk, high-reward: public comment…IN THE MIDDLE.

Guinea pig #1 was an older man who slid on his glasses and opened a red folder. “I wanna congratulate Mayor Tuck on his sex–successful election,” the commenter complimented the new mayor–and the mayor’s wife, apparently.

He took aim at, surprisingly, the public comment period itself. “I feel speakers should be heard at the beginning of the meeting. Also, they should be allowed five minutes to speak because at times you have got more to say and three minutes is not enough.” Ironically, this was not one of those times–he finished in well under three minutes.

Next up was a beefy guy who skipped congratulating the mayor for his sex and went for the jugular. “I’m in agreement with the public comments back to the beginning and I’ll tell you why. You got families with kids, you got elderly people, and you have handicapped people. To put them through two or three hours to save them for the end is just wrong. It’s ‘we the people,’ not ‘we the Hampton city council.'”

(It’s true. I’ve read the Constitution and nowhere does it mention the Hampton city council.)

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“Peekaboo.”

This Sage of Southeast Virginia left the council with a final deep thought: “the bricks out front, you need to regrout ’em.”

Final thoughts: I give 10 out of 10 stars to anybody who pays attention to the grout at their city hall.

#41: Asheville, NC 8/9/16

Anger.

Suspense.

Hemp?

These words barely scratch the surface of the cauldron of civic engagement that was the Asheville city council meeting.

It was a big day, with bonds galore! Transportation bond! Housing bond! Parks and rec bond! But first, the council needed a public hearing. Let’s roll the dice and see what the Good People have to say.

“I rise to state that there is an inconvenient truth about this so-called ‘public hearing,'” a man in a dapper white suit read from his notes. (Whenever someone labels something “so-called,” you know you’re in for a treat.)

“All this, I believe, is merely window dressing on the city council to foist a poorly-planned, unnecessary, pie-in-the-sky, $110 million financial burden upon the city,” he drawled, before socking Asheville’s bureaucrats right in the kisser. “This can become a slush fund to use as they please.”

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For someone who’s against spending money, that’s an awfully fancy pocket square.

He shuffled back to his seat. “Is there anyone else wishing to speak?” Mayor Esther Manheimer asked warily. No one in the crowded room hopped up.

“You all do know that we’re just doing bonds pretty much tonight?” she laughed nervously.

It was do-or-die time. Put-up-or-shut-up time. The vote: all three bonds passed. Easily. Like, really easily.

“Congratulations, we did our first bond package,” announced the mayor with the best poker face this side of Vegas.

Councilwoman Julie Mayfield briefly golf-clapped. “Are we allowed to clap?” she inquired after no one followed suit.

“We can look enthusiastic,” the mayor responded.

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The mayor is at peak enthusiasm.

Vice Mayor Gwen Wisler then kicked off what must have been an uncomfortable moment for three particular Ashevillians.  “We interviewed three candidates for the Sustainability Advisory Committee on Energy and the Environment just before the city council meeting.”

She whipped out a pen. “Each council member, tell me who you vote for.”

Oh, wow. This is happening now. In public.

Councilman Keith Young jumped in without hesitation. “I’m going with Emily” Boyd.

Councilwoman Mayfield agonized over her options. “These are all great candidates….It’s amazing….Tough choice.” She paused. “I am gonna go with Bridget” Herring.

“I’m gonna vote for Brad” Rouse, retorted Councilman Cecil Bothwell.

A three-way tie. What a nail-biter. I can’t watch!

“Bridget Herring,” Her Honor the mayor said without comment.

“Bridget Herring,” the vice mayor and Councilman Gordon Smith dittoed. It was a lock.

“I counted Bridget Herring,” triumphantly declared Vice Mayor Wisler. “We’ll get ahold of the candidates tomorrow and tell them.”

Uh…no offense Madam Vice Mayor, but you do realize you’re on TV, right?

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Vice Mayor: If only there were some way for people to know what’s happening at the city council…

As the meeting drew to a close, the mayor opened up public comment. And the public included a bearded man wearing shorts who talked about, well, what you would expect a bearded man in shorts to talk about.

“Hemp X Asheville is happening,” he grinned. “I hope a few or many of y’all can make it, and certainly those watching on TV as well.”

Sorry, bud. I’ll be busy watching city council meetings.

Final thoughts: I give 10 out of 10 stars to runners-up Emily Boyd and Brad Rouse, who came so close to getting the job but got, arguably, something better: a shout-out on City Council Chronicles.

#40: Lindsborg, KS 8/1/16

Wow, holy Wizard of Oz! What a humdinger of a–

Okay. I can’t do this.

I’ll level with you: if the Zapruder film and that grainy footage of Bigfoot had a lovechild, it would be Lindsborg’s city council video.

A low-res camera? Solution: put it unnecessarily far away.

The microphones barely work? Solution: talk quietly.

Most places videotape their city council meetings so the Good People can see what’s going on. Other places videotape their meetings because they FEEL like they HAVE to. News flash: if no one can understand who’s there and what they’re saying, it’s not a public service. It’s a waste of time.

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Grrr

Ranting aside, this council meeting was odd to watch because of the steady stream of solicitors offering very good, limited-time, get-a-free-t-shirt promotions.

“I just wanted to talk to you about Liberty National,” one woman ambushed the council, whipping out a stack of pamphlets. “Basically, we would just come in to see your employees–wouldn’t take long. We give everyone a $3,000 life insurance policy for themselves.”

And the deals don’t stop there! “A little more popular is our ‘cancer endurance’ policy. It has no lifetime maximum. Covers tons of things. But where it really shines is when they take chemo radiation and blood transfusions.”

With that, she promptly tossed some pamphlets on the table, grabbed her bag from the front row, and high-tailed it out the door–no doubt rushing to give the same speech to a zoning board in Wichita.

But wait, there’s more! You, the fancily dressed man. What wares have you to peddle?

“I’m with George K. Baum and Company. About a month ago we were analyzing some of the city’s debt and we found an opportunity to refund the series A 2009 [bonds]. We think we can refund those with bonds ranging from 2-3%. This is a good opportunity!”

Sign me up, boss! Give me a timeshare and some of Doctor Houlihan’s Miracle Cure-All while you’re at it.

Speaking of good opportunities, the staff at the Convention and Visitors Bureau was ready to pounce on the hottest new craze. “I’m totally clueless about this, but Pokémon GO is a big deal everywhere,” the mild mannered director explained. “Right now, I guess Lindsborg is very populated with critters to pick up, and points, and whatnot.” Her confidence was truly inspiring. The middle-aged council members stared back blankly.

“At what…2:30 in the morning? There were people out,” catching Pokémon, she marveled.

“Because there are different…Pokémon ghosts [sic],” helpfully added Councilwoman Betty Nelson.

Mayor Bill Taylor sighed. “I don’t know. I told my kids nothing good happens after midnight!” The whole room nodded and laughed in approval. You hear that, Pokémon ghosts? You stay away from those Taylor kids!

Final thoughts: Lindsborg, you seem nice. Let’s talk again when you get a new AV system, k?