Category: Midwest

#83: Omaha, NE 1/31/17

Some people celebrate their 80th birthday in the comfort of their home. Others do it during a 3 p.m. “dinner” at Bob Evans.

But only the wokest of octogenarians get a VIP ceremony in their city council chamber.

“I had the opportunity to attend a very special birthday party–with a YOUNG lady celebrating her 80th birthday–and I decided we ought to do a proclamation,” announced Council President Ben Gray with a wide grin.

“Rachel learned to drive and work three jobs to support her family,” he rattled off her biography. “Nurturing over 100 children through foster care is something special. Sometimes heroes are not people you see on television or read about.” (Mr. President, the Chronicles begs to differ!)

“I DID ask for Rachel to bring her birth certificate because I didn’t believe the 80-year-old story,” he joked. Or, at least, I thought it was a joke until he handed the shiny proclamation to a distinguished lady who didn’t look a day over 50!

“We’ll see you in another 80 years!” Gray cracked as the council roared with applause.

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Who knew that the secret to staying young was being a good person?

Alas, no sooner had the metaphorical candles been blown out than one councilmember went for the jugular.

“You know the history of that site. It certainly has had issues,” Councilmember Garry Gernandt frowned deeply as he stared down a stocky man who owned a scrap and salvage yard.

“We pick up the neighborhood and clean up and try to be a good neighbor,” the man retorted. “We haven’t had any major problems that I know of.”

NO problems?! Gernandt couldn’t believe his eardrums. “One of those complaints when you first took over was the proposed truck traffic into your facility–allow me to finish!” he thrust up a hand to silence the man’s protest. “My question: what are your hours of operation?”

The answer: “Approximately 8-5 daily. Eight to noon on Saturday. We’ll do a better job of recycling and maybe keep things a little cleaner. Make the health department happy.”

Amen, no one likes a dirty scrapyard. Get some organizing bins for those rusted-out car chassis!

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“I’ll be THIIIIIIIIIIIS happy.”

No sooner had Mr. Scrapyard stood down than a feisty woman in a ball cap leaned onto the podium. The subject: a special tax for cutting and clearing weeds. Her mood: enraged.

“Since I see you putting taxes on cutting the weeds and stuff, I wanted to know: are y’all going to be taking care of your OWN property?” she broadsided the unsuspecting council.

“The city has several lots in North Omaha which they do not maintain or keep up. Are y’all gonna tax yourselves?! I’ve been keeping the lot cut next to my property–which belongs to the city!

“Do I get reimbursed for cutting the yard?” she demanded in a blazing rhetorical ambush.

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“I’ll wait while you use the ATM.”

Wow, talk about speaking truth to power! I believe the engineers will have to examine City Hall’s foundation after the way it was SHAKEN just now.

“I don’t think we work that way,” responded Council President Gray through a forced smile.

Councilmember Rich Pahls offered meek words of encouragement. “If we’re gonna put the pressure on property owners, we ought to take a look at ourselves. Something tells me something’s going to get done. If not,” he shrugged, “come back.”

Final thoughts: Recycling at the scrapyard? Cutting down weeds? I give 10 out of 10 stars to cleanliness!

Special Feature! “Best Thing, Worst Thing”

It’s a tumultuous time, so it is important to get involved locally. We at the Chronicles are doing our part with the “Best Thing, Worst Thing” project! For an explanation, check out the page here. If you like storytelling and municipal lore, I think you will enjoy hearing residents wrestle with the good and challenging parts of their city at the same time.

So get comfortable, imagine you’ve been teleported to the Midwest, and head over to the City Council Chronicles podcast to download the latest episode. Or you can play it below.

Episode 4: Raymore, Missouri

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Photo source: City of Raymore

Raymore is 25 miles south of Kansas City in Cass County, Missouri. The population is 20,000. It is largely a bedroom community for people working in the big city or in nearby Kansas. For a long time, Raymore was stagnant–hovering around 500 residents. But starting in the ’70s, the city grew up fast. It is largely white with a higher-than-average median income, and along the main highway are numerous retail and big box stores. Raymore also has had some interesting political twists and turns. In this episode, we hear from a librarian, a marketing analyst, a doctor, and a husband-and-wife pair that runs a newspaper.

#82: Waconia, MN 1/23/17

Big happenings in small Waconia! I’m excited about everything they’re doing!

“This is gonna be my tenth year and I’m excited about everything we’re doing!” exclaimed the president of the Chamber of Commerce as she fired off dozens of downright irresistible goings-on around the Wac:

  • “I get calls for this every year. People wonder, when is that Putt Putt Challenge?!”
  • “If you’re following Facebook, they had a thing called knockerball. It went viral! It was in Japan, it was all around the world–the rodeo in Waconia with this knockerball thing!”
  • “Artstock was super duper fun! It was a great weekend and I can hear myself using all these superlatives because it was a really good year!”

She paused to catch her breath and offer a she-a culpa. “I just read a really great tip that PowerPoints should have no words, so I apologize for all these words! It should just be all pictures.”

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Words?! Ugh, anything but words!

No apologies necessary! You’re doing great. Although, truth be told, some events she’s hyping are giving me trippy mental images.

  • “Nickle Dickle Day just continues to grow!”
  • “Scarecrow Tour–we had about 53 scarecrows around town.”

After chugging through a whole year’s worth of merriment in 15 minutes, she flashed an unapologetic grin. “That was supposed to be, like, five minutes!”

Then she hit the play button on a promo video with campy guitar music and levitating drone footage of everyday Waconians ice fishing, golfing, and swimming in mighty Lake Waconia.

But when the screen faded to black, Council Member Marc Carrier raised an accusatory finger. “The video was almost perfect,” he lashed out. “You should’ve finished with a sailboat.”

The Chamber president–recognizing a sloop enthusiast when she sees one–chose to agree vigorously with him. “The next video, I’ll do it with your sailboat!” she laughed.

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Carrier: “I brought some headshots of my sailboat with me–“

From the sexy video footage of their fair city, the city council turned to a mind-numbingly mundane topic: office machinery.

“We’re continually reviewing our processes,” a peppy young staffer began, “and with the age of our folder stuffer machine–we purchased the folder stuffer I believe in 2006. So it’s about ten years old and it’s starting to show its age.”

This is the first time in my life I’m hearing someone use the phrase “folder stuffer machine.” I imagine a Dr. Seuss-like contraption of moving arms and spinning wheels that turns flat folders into fat folders.

The folders were bulgy

The folders were bloozled

The folders were stuffed like the fur fluff of poodles!

“[The maintenance workers] are in here every other month changing out rollers or fixing something. And we just say, how can we be better with this folder stuffer machine?” the staffer asked rhetorically.

Acting Mayor Kent Bloudek was curious about the fate of the folder stuffer machine after they switched to a printing and mailing service. “Is the intent to hang onto the equipment until after the first year?” (Equipment? The folder stuffer has a name, sir!)

“I think that we can get rid of it within the next few months,” replied the employee coldly.

I think I know how THAT will go down:

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Interview #32: Lee’s Summit, MO Council Member Chris Moreno (with podcast)

This podcast interview is available on iTunes, Stitcher, Player FM and right here:

Lee’s Summit city council meetings have been extremely contentious over the past eight months. Two council members have even called on each other to resign. One of them, Chris Moreno, is facing a recall election because some people are unhappy with his conduct at council meetings. But he remains steadfast. He talks here about his preparation for council meetings and how he deals with the criticism.

—

Q: On the day of the council meetings, what do you do to prepare? Do you have a ritual?

A: I just do a lot of studying. I do a lot of prayer, a lot of thinking about the agenda and the topic itself. I play a lot of worship music throughout my breaks.

Q: Interesting. When you were first elected, did you have to do an orientation on things like how to make a motion and how to debate?

A: Yeah, Robert’s Rules of Order and all that good stuff. I was a debater in high school, so I kind of knew [that stuff].

Q: Where did the debating team stand in the social hierarchy in your high school?

A: I was a basketball guy. I loved basketball and so when I was introduced to debate, I kind of was like, “this is not for me.” But I loved the challenge. I loved public speaking. Playing sports, my friends–I loved them all, but we weren’t exactly straight-A students, you know?

Q: Gotcha. So, it came out last year that allegedly Council Member Diane Forte improperly got city contracts for her own business. You were very critical of her and it bled over into the council meetings. You said this about her:

I personally do not believe that after the lies you told to the cameras and to this body, that this can continue to go on.

Here was her response:

To come on this council and try to destroy relationships that I have built in this city–if anyone’s going to resign, it’s not going to be me! It’s going to be you!

How do you think the other council members and staff felt while this was going on?

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Lee’s Summit, MO Council Member Chris Moreno

A: The context of this was: that was four weeks later and she was refusing to acknowledge her illegal business deals. For me, this isn’t personal. For me, it’s about government. We should not have politicians profiting off of taxpayer dollars.

Q: You are facing a recall election in April. Can you think of anything you said–or the way in which you said it–at the council meetings that you would have done differently?

A: No. I think I actually was more courteous than what I should have been. I couldn’t say right then and there, “you have deals that violated state law.” Looking back, I wish I would have.

Q: You once called the public comment at your council meetings a “Jerry Springer Show.” What would you do to reform it?

A: We have these people coming in with an agenda: to personally attack politicians on grounds that have nothing to do with city business. That being said, I’m not opposed to criticism. They have a right to do it. But we should not allow for a political campaign to take place at the dais.

Follow Council Member Chris Moreno on Twitter: @MorenoDadKC

#80: Moore, OK 1/17/17

I often hear from people around the globe who say, “we don’t want fewer Oklahoma city council meeting reviews. We want Moore.”

Well, my thirsty friends, it’s your lucky day.

The inauguration may be 1,300 miles away, but the Moore city council was twerking to a different type of party.

“Mayor and council, this is our annual renewal of the fireworks contract,” a bespectacled staffer braced himself on the podium. The price tag was steep: $49,500.

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Trivia: this meeting was filmed with the original Zapruder camera.

But, he vouched, “they provide an excellent show. This is our premier event that we do.”

Mayor Glenn Lewis raised his eyebrows out of sticker shock. “How does this compare to how much other cities spend?”

The man cleared his throat. “We’re at or near the top when it comes to fireworks expense. Mayor, we feel that the show we put on–the event really is a great event. We think we get the most bang for our buck.”

Or the biggest boom, as it were. But hey, I report and you decide. This is what $49-large of fireworks looks like:

“And how many people would you say come out?” quizzed Council Member Melissa Hunt.

“We think 20,000-30,000 people view the show,” the staffer guessed. Wow! For comparison, only two cats and a bottle of Colt 45 viewed MY illegal backyard fireworks show.

Council Member Adam Webb was all-in on the pyrotechnics. “I love this event. I don’t feel like Moore has a lot that we’re known for.”

Council Member, don’t be ridiculous! The Moore Oil & Lube and the R&S Gun Supply are some of the finest establishments in the Lower 48! You were saying?

“Last year, I showed the mayor and some other council members chatter on Instagram, Twitter, and social media–people have come to Moore and enjoyed this.”

Mayor Lewis leaned forward to seal the deal. “The show’s always good to me,” he offered. “I remember when they used to pass a bucket to pay for $2,000 worth of firecrackers.”

“That being said–” he winced as heads swiveled and I held my breath, “several people seemed to be upset about it. Is there anybody here that would like to speak on this?”

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“SHOW YOURSELVES, TRAITORS.”

The room was quiet as His Honor scanned the auditorium. The fate of our nation’s birthday was hanging in the balance.

“Okay, if you didn’t show up to complain,” he said with a smirk, “don’t complain anymore.”

Everyone exhaled as the council approved the fireworks show.

But to make the Fourth of July a little more festive, there was one other tiny gift from the village elders to the masses:

“Ordinance number 844-17, establishing a beer and wine license,” the mayor read from his notes.

An employee in a baggy suit explained the highly technical logic. “The licenses the city has now is: one for beer and one for mixed beverages. This would be in between. Restaurants could sell beer AND wine and choose not to pay the higher fee.”

The council swiftly okayed the new license–a great boon to Midwesterners who like their beer like they like their wine: in the same place.

Final thoughts: What this meeting lacked in sizzle, it made up for in patriotism. I give it 8 out of 10 sparkler sticks.

#77: Hutchinson, KS 1/3/17

Folks, 2017 will be a year of uncertainty. Fear. Turmoil.

But all of that faded away when the mustachioed man in the camo-sleeve pullover strode to the Hutchinson city council microphone.

You could tell: he was here to Make Hutchinson Great Again.

“I’m sure you’ve all received my petition in the mail. I’m here to formally represent that petition,” he intoned with a deep, reassuring voice. All signs pointed to this guy having some major grievance with the city council–but honestly, I could listen to him narrate movie trailers all day. His voice was that soothing.

But I’m sorry, you were saying something about tyranny?

“Governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. And the government role is to protect our rights, not to find exceptions,” he murmured, like some sort of Ken Burns documentary.

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He has two guns in those sleeves and 25 in the bunker.

“Your opinion is your theology, and any opinion contrary to the fact I set forth is contrary to our basis of governance. That is why I am requesting repeal of the tax for the support of the sports arena. We’d like to see the city council repeal all ordinances that are destructive of the life, liberty, property, and prosperity of the people of Hutchinson.”

There was a dramatic pause as the John Williams musical score in my head stopped playing.

“Thank you. We appreciate it,” Mayor Jon Daveline casually replied. Then, cheerfully, “next item, please!”

The city attorney leaned forward in his chair, giving the audience an exclusive view of the hyper-expressive sign language translator.

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Love. Her.

“There was a bill passed by the Kansas legislature moving elections to the fall–and requiring an extension of your terms,” he announced. As a smirk spread across his lips, he added, “so let me be the first to thank you for your additional months of service!”

Everyone laughed, perhaps a bit TOO hard.

“This extends your terms from April of this year to January 2018,” he elaborated. “For those whose terms would have expired not in 2017 but in 2019, your terms are extended to 2020.”

Not everybody was elated.

“I mean, they [the voters] might want us out in April and we’re here for another eight months,” Councilmember Jade Piros de Caravalho observed with a mournful chuckle.

“So…the changing of the guard will not occur until WHEN?!” exclaimed the mayor half-jokingly.

“You’re stuck!” Councilmember Nancy Soldner clucked.

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Lock the doors.

At this point, Camo Sleeves jumped uninvited back up to the mic. Cue the music from Braveheart.

“The city does retain the right to stand up and say we will not comply with any law the state comes out with,” he urged them defiantly. “You do have that right. You don’t have to comply with their laws.”

Mayor Daveline shifted uncomfortably, no doubt realizing that the Civil War started over something similar to this. “We’re…gonna take the advice of our city attorney here–”

“The law is often the rule of tyrants,” Camo said firmly. “That’s just the way it is.”

The color had drained from the city attorney’s face. “Uh…the authority that a city has is granted to it by the state of Kansas. If they didn’t grant us the authority…we couldn’t exist.”

Final thoughts: It’s a tough call…they didn’t stand up to tyranny. But they did avoid an inter-governmental apocalypse. I give these council members 8 out of 10 camo-sleeve pullovers.

#75: Livonia, MI 12/19/16

Inside the Livonia city council chamber, it felt like the last day of school before Winter Break. Oh, sure, THEORETICALLY there was work to do. But there were also plenty of hugs and goodbyes to go around.

“Welcome to the 1,815th regular meeting of the Livonia city council,” President Kathleen McIntyre dutifully announced. While I’d like to imagine McIntyre boarded up in her office and forlornly drawing another line on a wall full of tally marks, that works out to roughly 76 years of city council meetings.

“My oldest daughter is now a teenager as of Saturday,” Council Member Scott Bahr (who, oddly enough, looked barely old enough to buy cigarettes) gave a shout-out at the top of the meeting.

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This man has been chugging from the Fountain of Youth.

“I would like to wish my oldest son a very happy 19th birthday,” Council President McIntyre dittoed. She looked directly into the camera. “He will be celebrating that on January 5th. He was originally due on December 22nd. The fact that he arrived two weeks late pretty much told us how he was gonna go through life–on his own schedule.”

There were a few uncomfortable chuckles.

Spirits were lifted, however, when cheerful Wayne County Commissioner Terry Marecki stopped by to say “hiya” in her thick upper Midwest accent.

“I’m sure you’re gonna enjoy your couple weeks off here with your regular jabs and doing this jab at night!” she exclaimed.

“I wanted to give you an update on 8 Mile Road. It’s been what, six weeks, Tadd [Todd], that they finished it? I want to assure you, it’s going to be done.”

She flashed a reassuring grin and a goofy sign-off. “You can tell your peeps!”

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“Tell your peeps, your squad, your bruhs, your brahs, and especially your homies.”

Before the peeps could be told, there was one serious piece of business to do.

“This is a request to purchase a FARO 3-D laser scanner,” Council President McIntyre read. “This comes from the police for 3-D scene mapping. Good evening, chief.”

Livonia’s police chief stood with neatly-combed hair at the podium to explain this expensive purchase. “This is a huge step forward in our ability to map all crime scenes. You may recall the fatal accident that we had not too long ago. To map that scene with our current device took six hours. That scene with this device would take 30 minutes.”

Wow. From six hours to 30 minutes?! Sign me up for a baker’s dozen!

“This is exciting stuff,” Council Vice President Brandon Kritzman murmured in fascination.  The council approved the scanner.

As council members prepared to go home to their milk and cookies, there was a surprise comment from former Council Member James C. McCann.

“I didn’t plan on this, but as somebody who sat where you’re sitting, the ability of this council to work together–” he smiled proudly, like he was speaking at a high school convocation.

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This is “Santa Formal” attire

“Everybody’s always prepared. It is very nice to see a council that’s working this very well together. And I’d recommend to the voters that if they have the chance to reelect every one of you, they should do it.”

Hear hear! Tell your peeps!

Final thoughts: Obviously I haven’t seen all 1,815 Livonia city council meetings, but I would easily rank this one in the top 400.

#74: McHenry, IL 12/19/16

Trouble in paradise! Turmoil in the Land of Lincoln!

The pride and joy of McHenry–“Fiesta Days”–was in jeopardy, and Mayor Susan E. Low had summoned the only heroes who could save it.

“The next item on the agenda is a motion to approve the 69th annual Fiesta Days schedule, including the addition of Thursday, July 13,” she read.

That’s right–a sombrero-sized bombshell was just dropped on Fiesta Days: adding THURSDAY to the schedule.

“Thursday night is important to draw higher-quality amusements and better food vendors,” the jeans-clad Chamber of Commerce rep solemnly informed the council.

“Fiesta Days are looking to attract and serve millennials, the 21-36 group. I think this is what our Thursday night is gonna be geared towards–try to get some of the younger crowd out there.”

You hear that, millennials? Put down your smart phones and your mannequin challenges and go sample the local Illinois cuisine–which I’m assuming includes both sweet and popped corn?

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Let’s fleek it up!

A local pastor strode to the podium. “By having a Thursday night, we can make Sunday fully free,” he argued, being an expert on how to keep the Sabbath rockin’.

“I actually get to call myself a millennial by two days,” he chuckled. “As I ask them about the music selection at Fiesta Days, I typically get the answer of, ‘it’s fine, but it’s not MY music.'”

He paused for pastoral emphasis. “‘Not my music.’ We have to transition generations. Thursday night, we get to focus on millennials.”

Alderman Jeffrey Schaefer tapped his fingers together. “What type of entertainment were you thinking?”

I was wondering the same thing. As a millennial, I am into such popular musical acts as Neil Diamond, Willie Nelson, and Olivia Newton-John. But something tells me they aren’t in the Fiesta Days budget.

“We’re gonna try to keep it local and geared more towards that millennial group,” the Chamber man said evasively. “We’re not exactly sure.”

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The Committee on Wooing Millennials

Alderman Schaefer motioned to approve the plan. Alderman Andrew Glab backed him up, gruffly muttering, “I’m glad to see us going a little more toward the family, uh, thing.”

But suddenly, Mayor Low slammed the brakes on the Fiesta Express. “I have no problem with the event,” she frowned, “but we spent a LOT of time deciding those times.”

Alderman Schaefer looked worried. “I was going to amend my motion to change the time to 10:30 for Thursday.”

The mayor looked relieved. “So your motion would be to allow the event, end it at 10:30?”

But immediately, Alderman Victor Santi jumped ship. “I’m not seconding that motion.”

Then the council went to DEFCON-3 as Alderman Geri Condon turned on her mic. “I personally support Thursday, closing at 10:30, keeping the beer sales and times, BUT I would support 50% reimbursement,” she demanded, referring to the condition that the Chamber of Commerce reimburse the city for all or part of its costs.

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“Also, I demand that we move the lost-and-found from behind my seat.”

“The motion on the table I’m not gonna support,” Alderman Scott Curry viciously knifed. “I’m hoping we vote that down and then we can put one that has 50% in.”

The Titanic was going down. It was too late to bail!

The vote: 2-4 to kill the Schaefer motion. Alderman Curry leapt forward.

“10:30 on Thursday, alcohol times the same, 50% reimbursement,” he briskly rattled off.

Mayor Low called the vote: 4-2 in favor.

“Majority rule,” she shrugged.

#71: Beloit, WI 12/5/16

Okay, I have to admit something: I had a hard time focusing on the Beloit city council meeting. It’s not because it was boring (it wasn’t). It’s not because I was under the influence of alcohol (I was).

It’s because all I could think about…was the wall.

The brick wall. AROUND the city council.

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Is this to keep the Big Bad Wolf out of council meetings?

Is it art? Is it a metaphor? Or is it a way of saying, “the only way you’re gonna ‘stick it’ to City Hall is with a bulldozer?”

Regardless, the city council had four more walls to worry about: a proposed “indoor entertainment venue.” To approve or not approve was the question.

“We were contacted by five neighboring property owners who are opposed due to concerns about traffic, parking, noise, and loitering,” a bespectacled city staffer informed the stern-looking councilors.

“The planning commission reviewed this and voted 6-0 to recommend denial.” She nodded to the building owner sitting alone in the audience. “I don’t think he’s trying to negatively impact the neighborhood.”

The man cautiously approached the wall. He was wearing a Carolina Tarheels fleece under a puffy jacket. “My name is Mario. I’m the owner. I’m trying, you know, to do that thing. Whatever that thing…” he stuttered with a heavy accent.

“My English is broken so hopefully you understand me,” he apologized. “If you guys say no, throw away that idea then continue. So technically you’re the boss.”

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Do it! Scale the wall!

But Councilor Sheila De Forest looked intensely grief-stricken. “I want to make sure that you were understood at the planing commission. Did you have a translator there at the meeting for him?”

The staffer slid next to Mario at the podium. “He didn’t ask for one. I didn’t know he needed one.”

“Did we OFFER him one, though?” De Forest pressed angrily.

“I…don’t know,” sighed the employee.

Councilor De Forest was livid. “I guess I’m not comfortable proceeding until we offer him a translator,” she demanded.

City Manager Lori Curtis Luther jumped into the fray. “I just want to make a cautionary note that we shouldn’t ASSUME what someone does or does not want,” she attempted to out-sensitize De Forest’s sensitivity. “I don’t want to imply that we think you NEED a translator. I think that can be insulting to some.”

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Some might say a fortressed city council is a tad insulting.

Riding in to the rescue was the third Good Samaritan, Councilor Marilyn Sloniker. “Would you like ME to ask him in Spanish if he understands what’s going on?”

Council President David Luebke quickly tried to sort out the ethical dilemma roiling the council. “I think…I think that’s…we’re pushing it too far. I don’t want to insult anybody’s intelligence.”

“I understand,” shrugged Sloniker. It’s no small irony that the council who erected a wall around themselves was worried about how to be properly inclusive.

However, when it came to Luebke’s fellow councilors, the gloves were off.

“The Holidazzle was fantastic. I happened to go in where you work, Mark,” he slyly grinned, referring to Councilor Mark Preuschl’s candy shop.

“They had samples up there, but for every one he gave out, he ate a piece too!” Everyone had a much-needed and de-stressing laugh.

No translation needed there!