Big happenings in small Waconia! I’m excited about everything they’re doing!

“This is gonna be my tenth year and I’m excited about everything we’re doing!” exclaimed the president of the Chamber of Commerce as she fired off dozens of downright irresistible goings-on around the Wac:

• “I get calls for this every year. People wonder, when is that Putt Putt Challenge?!”
• “If you’re following Facebook, they had a thing called knockerball. It went viral! It was in Japan, it was all around the world–the rodeo in Waconia with this knockerball thing!”
• “Artstock was super duper fun! It was a great weekend and I can hear myself using all these superlatives because it was a really good year!”

She paused to catch her breath and offer a she-a culpa. “I just read a really great tip that PowerPoints should have no words, so I apologize for all these words! It should just be all pictures.”

No apologies necessary! You’re doing great. Although, truth be told, some events she’s hyping are giving me trippy mental images.

• “Nickle Dickle Day just continues to grow!”
• “Scarecrow Tour–we had about 53 scarecrows around town.”

After chugging through a whole year’s worth of merriment in 15 minutes, she flashed an unapologetic grin. “That was supposed to be, like, five minutes!”

Then she hit the play button on a promo video with campy guitar music and levitating drone footage of everyday Waconians ice fishing, golfing, and swimming in mighty Lake Waconia.

But when the screen faded to black, Council Member Marc Carrier raised an accusatory finger. “The video was almost perfect,” he lashed out. “You should’ve finished with a sailboat.”

The Chamber president–recognizing a sloop enthusiast when she sees one–chose to agree vigorously with him. “The next video, I’ll do it with your sailboat!” she laughed.

From the sexy video footage of their fair city, the city council turned to a mind-numbingly mundane topic: office machinery.

“We’re continually reviewing our processes,” a peppy young staffer began, “and with the age of our folder stuffer machine–we purchased the folder stuffer I believe in 2006. So it’s about ten years old and it’s starting to show its age.”

This is the first time in my life I’m hearing someone use the phrase “folder stuffer machine.” I imagine a Dr. Seuss-like contraption of moving arms and spinning wheels that turns flat folders into fat folders.

The folders were bulgy

The folders were bloozled

The folders were stuffed like the fur fluff of poodles!

“[The maintenance workers] are in here every other month changing out rollers or fixing something. And we just say, how can we be better with this folder stuffer machine?” the staffer asked rhetorically.

Acting Mayor Kent Bloudek was curious about the fate of the folder stuffer machine after they switched to a printing and mailing service. “Is the intent to hang onto the equipment until after the first year?” (Equipment? The folder stuffer has a name, sir!)

“I think that we can get rid of it within the next few months,” replied the employee coldly.

I think I know how THAT will go down: