Danville may not be the biggest city. Or the best city. Or even the best city named Danville (it’s Danville, California, obvi). But it has one thing that other cities do not:
The most annoyingly-cheerful sons-of-b’s on city council.
Mayor Sherman Saunders rose with a proclamation for the 50th anniversary of the city’s Goodyear plant. “Whereas the Goodyear tire and rubber company broke ground in DANVILLE,” he said, practically shouting the city name. “And whereas Goodyear DANVILLE is DANVILLE’s largest employer–” at this point, the two representatives from Goodyear were suppressing laughter as the Honorable Mayor bellowed “Danville” every other sentence.
“I, Sherman M. Saunders, mayor, city of DANVILLE do hereby commend Goodyear DANVILLE on its 50th anniversary in DANVILLE, Virginia.” He glanced at the room with a kingly defiance.
“Yeah, I’m proud to say ‘DANVILLE.’ That’s right!”
“Thank you, and we look forward to another 50 years of good service in Danville,” the company’s representatives responded, opting not to scream the city name. It didn’t matter–there was already a huge lovefest for Goodyear in the crowd.
“I worked at Goodyear and I built on the U2s,” the mayor reminisced.
“I also worked at Goodyear,” boasted Councilman James Buckner.
“Goodyear is Danville and Danville is Goodyear,” Councilman J. Lee Vogler, the resident poet, freestyled.
Next, the sheriff came forward to talk about the first annual Youth Day on Saturday–complete with music, a basketball free throw competition, and hundred-yard dash.
“Do you have something for [people] over 65?” Councilman John Gilstrap cheekily inquired.
“Serving hot dogs,” the sheriff retorted.
Gilstrap chuckled. “I can do that!”
Youth Day wasn’t the only big ticket item in town–and not even the only one featuring wieners: “The community market opens this Saturday,” Councilman Buckner reported. “Make sure you stop by at the time I’m working because I’m gonna make hands down the best hot dogs.”
Vice-Mayor Gary Miller called bullsh*t: “Mr. Buckner may think he makes the best hot dogs, but I’m gonna produce the healthiest ones. I’m gonna have turkey dogs,” he bragged, to groans from the council. “That are healthy for you.”
“There goes my appetite,” the mayor gagged. It sounds like the vice-mayor will have plenty of leftovers. Thanksgiving dinner at the Miller house? Turkey hot dogs.
Before the meeting adjourned, Mayor Saunders flipped on his mic, leaned back, and speechified like a Sunday preacher. “I want to thank the voters who reelected me just a few days ago. I maintain–you’re gonna hear it four more years–DANVILLE is a great city.
“Yes, we do have issues to work on and we are working on them. But the minute number of people who are causing these negative issues….they will be caught and they WILL be stopped.”
The mayor was all worked up and now spitting pure verse.
“There is no despair here in DANVILLE. Thank you for electing us.
“Thank you for supporting us.
“Thank you for believing in us.
“And thank you for being a part of the great city…of DANVILLE, VIRGINIA.”
Final thoughts: I loved this meeting as much as Mayor Saunders loves screaming theword “DANVILLE.” I give it 8/10 turkey hot dogs.
UPDATE: 11:33 a.m. THIS GUY!
Vice Mayor Dr. Gary Miller is cooking turkey franks at the home expo.
— City of Danville, VA (@cityofdanville) May 7, 2016