Things got off to a rocky start in Southern Colorado, but I’ll chalk it up to a lingering New Year’s hangover. What matters is that the People’s Servants stuck the landing on the city council of Alamosa–a.k.a. the “Gateway to the Great Sand Dunes.”

Or, in this case, the “Gateway to the Great Scott, What the Hell Is He Talking About?”

“You may wonder why I’m wearing the Raider apparel,” the public commenter in a football jersey barked at the top of the meeting. “Well, guess what? I saw Ken Stabler playing the Orange Bowl when I was living with my aunt and uncle in Miami. I’m watching this guy left handed, thread it like a needle. The Raiders came to Santa Rosa, California. I remember John Madden sitting there drinking a strawberry milkshake.”

He added–as if to read my mind–“enough about that. These goddamn two-lane roads and three-lanes roads–will you slow it down?! Or just pull over and sober up, whatever your damn problem is? Clean up your act!”

It was solid advice, which would have been slightly more solid if my mind wasn’t occupied with the image of John Madden sucking down a strawberry shake. Luckily, he polished off his tirade with an even more explicit changé d’image.

“I’m tailgated all the time around here. If you’re gonna be up my butt, pass or get off!” He signed off with: “my interest is special prize fighting.”

Having covered an entire council meeting’s worth of topics in only five minutes, he sat down. The city council stared impassively ahead. I hope each of their 2017 resolutions was to never be up that guy’s butt.

“I’ll make the motion to approve” a new trash truck and tool truck, announced Councilor Charlie Griego.

“Start voting please,” ordered Mayor Josef Lucero.

After a moment, “the motion carried unanimously,” revealed the clerk. Suddenly, she turned to the mayor. “So to clarify, who was the second?”

Mayor Lucero looked around sheepishly. “Did I have a second?”

Oh, no. No, no, no. We’re only four days into January and the Alamosa city council is already crying out for a savior!

“I will second,” Councilor Kristina Daniel heroically volunteered.

“I thought I heard a second,” the mayor muttered, still beating himself up over the elementary mistake. “Sorry! We’ll re-vote! Start voting please.”

With the T’s crossed, the I’s dotted, and the motions seconded, the vote passed.

With all that unpleasantness out of the way, Councilor Ty Coleman had a belated Christmas surprise for Public Works Director Pat Steenburg.

“I was shopping at a Treasure Alley the other day and the owner was really applauding the efforts of the team going out there and removing the snow as quickly as they did,” he said.

“The ironic thing–right after she made this positive comment in front of a store full of people, Pat walked in. So,” he waved his hand, “that was very interesting.”

Indeed. Although just because they’re removing the snow quickly, motorists should still slow down on the two-lane roads to avoid being up that guy’s butt.