Category: council review

#13: Romulus, MI 5/2/16

FAST! That’s the only word to describe this week’s blink-or-you’ll-miss-it Romulus city council meeting.

In other burgs, something as explosive as rezoning would roil a council for hours. One such Romulus troublemaker stepped to the mic and gave his ultimatum to the People’s Servants: “We’re looking to keep the rezoning” on his property.

Councilman William Wadsworth approached cautiously. “You just wanna keep it for future development?”

Troublemaker: “Yes sir.”

Wadsworth: “Okay, fine.”

Bam! Done in 8.5 seconds. Let’s go, we’re burnin’ daylight!

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William Wadsworth, the Speedy Gonzales of city councilmembers

“I would like to say happy birthday,” council Chairman John Barden said, glancing sideways at the city clerk. “Clerk had a birthday Sunday.”

“21, right?!” Councilman Harry Crout exclaimed.

“Forever!” she responded punnily. But okay, seriously, let’s move on to the-

“I would like to ask council for a birthday resolution for Ronald McClellan’s 70th birthday,” Councilwoman Linda Choat bandwagoned. Yes, yes, send him a strippergram. It’s on me. Can we just get on to the mayor’s report please?

“I have a video clip to run,” Mayor LeRoy Burcroff said with zero trace of excitement. “Roger, you wanna run that and we’ll just move on from there?”

Suddenly, a perky young face appeared on the screen to rattle off the local comings and goings.

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“COMRADES, WITHOUT ROMULUS YOU ARE NOTHING.”

“Hi, everyone! I’m Jasmine. Here’s what’s coming up around Romulus: Romulus Drug Task Force bowling fundraiser is May 6. Boy Scout Troop 872 Eagle Project spaghetti dinner fundraiser is May 1o. Romulus High School bands are holding a spaghetti dinner fundraiser on May 12. Romulus Animal Shelter bowling fundraiser is May 13. Thanks and have a great week, everybody!”

(If you don’t like spaghetti or bowling, hopefully you have Netflix because there ain’t many options.)

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Mayor LeRoy Burcroff, clearly a cinephile

But it wasn’t all meatballs-and-sauce for Councilman Wadsworth. He’s jonesing for a bridge to be built on Pennsylvania Road so those godforsaken trains stop holding up the good people.

“Recently I went to buy gasoline at the Shell station. It took me 30 minutes to come back with five gallons of gas,” he fumed. “That upset me.”

A couple of years ago, they were soooo close to building the overpass. “[Former] Mayor Oakley told me ‘this looks really good’ and two weeks later he told me it all went to…south. I almost swore,” the self-censoring scion caught himself. “Pardon me. I’m sorry.”

On that apologetic note, the council meeting was adjour-

“If you’re celebrating a birthday in May, happy birthday,” Councilman Crout brought it back to the goddamn birthdays. “Roger, happy birthday.”

“I’m gonna piggyback off of Councilman Crout,” the clerk oinked. “Also we have our mayor’s birthday on May 8. So happy birthday, mayor.”

Yes, for he’s a jolly good fellow. Hip-hip-hooray. Quick, go to the recap!

Final thoughts: This place has more birthdays per capita than a Chuck-E-Cheese. I’m going to name Councilman Wadsworth the VIP for apologizing for his almost-swear. That’s what I call leadership. Good luck on getting that bridge. 4/5 stars

#12: Washington City, UT 4/27/16

Huge turnout at tiny Washington City’s council meeting! The good people of southwestern Utah filled the bleachers for one reason: the swearing in of their rugged new fire captain.

“I solemnly swear that I will support, obey, and defend the laws and ordinances of Washington City,” this hunky hero vowed.

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What a crowd!

A standing ovation erupted in the audience! Huzzahs flowed freely! And then…they all left. No doubt to serenade the town’s new beefcake with champagne and concubines. Speaking of which:

“Last Saturday we had our annual princess contest,” Mayor Ken Neilson reminded everyone. “Our princesses are currently helping out with the rodeo so they’re not able to be here.”

The celebrations kept on comin’: “On the 7th, annually we do a breakfast for the Iron Man as they come through Washington. I invite ya’ll to come help me flip some pancakes,” the mayor/chef announced.

“We better go get some candy,” a voice mumbled. “We gotta bribe the kids to like us somehow.”

“Denise can get some for you!” the mayor blurted, volunteering Denise for sugar duty.

Apparently, the city council had morphed into the party planning committee, for Councilwoman Kolene Granger had grandiose plans of Caligula-like proportions.

“I know that that they want to come and visit the council again,” she said of Dixie State University–the fightin’ Trailblazers. “I think we ought to get hats of some sort. In deference to the Rebels, the colors are gray, blue, and red.”

(Ah, yes. This year, Dixie State became the Trailblazers. They used to be the Rebels, but changed it because of cough, slavery, cough. Old mascot: racist Confederate soldier. New mascot: friendly bison!)

“I’m suggesting that we perhaps buy one of the bison and get it decorated and perhaps put city logos or city calendars on it. They’re fiberglass but kids can sit on them and we can color them the way we want,” Councilwoman Granger mused.

“I’ll put one in my front yard,” Councilman Troy Belliston chuckled. Send me one too, councilman. It’ll look great next my confederate general statue.

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Yes, who could forget the Civil War’s many bloody battles in Southwest Utah

Finally, the council had a meaty piece of business to chew on: the owner of 141 South Main Street wanted to weasel out of building a new sidewalk and gutter. Technically, the pesky rules say he has to. But no one else around him is doing it, sooooo…

“It’s gonna be sticking out there like a sore thumb,” the man sighed.

“I don’t have a problem waiving it today. But at the same time I worry because we’ve kind of waived so many that we’ve never started” building the danged gutters, Councilman Thad Seegmiller fretted.

“I agree,” the man countered with reverse-psychology jujitsu. “I have nothing against the curb and gutter. If you folks choose to have me put it in, I’ll put it in.”

Councilman Seegmiller folded like a lawn chair. “Well, mayor, I would like to see us get curb and gutter downtown, but there’s nobody with curb and gutter on his entire block.”

The honorable mayor agreed. “Don’t mess up the ditch!” he hollered. They voted to waive the curb and gutter.

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“Get your minds out of the gutter–specifically, my gutter.”

Final thoughts: With a new fire captain on duty, the council meeting was definitely not a barnburner.  I give this meeting 3 out of 5 fiberglass bison.

#11: Oklahoma City, OK 4/26/16

Friction. Discord. Tumult. For a place nicknamed “The Big Friendly,” this week’s Oklahoma City council meeting was anything but. Put on some sunscreen and drink plenty of liquids–the People’s Business is about to get heated.

It all started out smoothly enough. Telegenic Mayor Mick Cornett handed awards to the basketball team and the police department. But when Hizzoner brought up the subject of new development in the city, one councilman lit up the mic.

“It’s basically equivalent to a Ponzi scheme,” cried councilman and spinal care doctor Ed Shadid. He was enraged at developers who plopped down houses on the edge of town, forcing the city to pay for roads and such. Meanwhile, his inner city neighborhoods were crumbling. “We’re building sidewalks while neighborhoods in the core don’t have sidewalks!”

“We put public dollars in some of those places before anybody was living out there,” this modern-day Robin Hood lamented. “I have kids walking in the middle of the street” because of crappy sidewalks.

Crotchety Councilman Pete White, elected way back in 1982 when Doc Shadid was barely out of diapers, grunted, “You’re not king. I’m not king. We need to get off the conversation and into action.”

The mayor called a vote: 8-1, with Shadid and his inner city kids losing.

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This beautiful road is the reason Councilman Ed Shadid’s kids have no sidewalks.

A citizen named Amber rose to address the council. Her husband was driving in a January snowstorm when he hit a pothole that majorly banged up their car. She sent the bill to the city, but the claim was denied.

“We do have images from Google Maps from 2015 that also show the pothole was visible,” Amber said, waving the picture.

“Do you have any other evidence?” Councilman Mark Stonecipher pressed.

“In 2011 there was a city agenda that discussed repairs and improvements that needed to be done on the street,” Amber answered slyly. Hold the g–d– phone. In this very room…in front of these very people…well, I’ll let the councilman connect the dots.

“What you’re saying is we were proposing to fix the road and we did not do that for that area?”

Amber: “Yes.”

Mic dropped. Mind blown. The council agreed they should probably pay the claim.

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Methinks they could have fixed that pothole if they heeded Councilman Ed Shadid’s warning.

It was time for councilmember comments. And Councilman John A. Pettis, Jr. had some muck to rake.

“It’s been a while since I’ve given the Ward 7 sermon,” he wheezed. “Normally my sermons are an hour. But I’ll do a sermon in less than 15 minutes.”

The target of his rage was the school district. “They have not been upfront and honest with us about their intention,” he fretted. And regarding recently-dismissed superintendent Rob Neu,  “I am glad that he’s gone.”

At this point, Councilman White snapped, “I don’t think this is any of our business.”

“I’m gonna talk about it and I did talk about it,” Councilman Pettis retorted.

“You can obviously talk longer and louder than I can but it doesn’t make you right,” Councilman White growled. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Luckily, Councilwoman Meg Salyer grabbed her mic and rambled about the arts festival, putting everyone at ease.

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Councilman Pete White: “I’ve killed manlier men than you.”

Final thoughts: First we had councilman vs. city. Then citizen vs. city. And finally councilman vs. councilman. This was a slugfest and it wasn’t pretty. I give this meeting 4 out of 5 kids walking in the street.

#10: Delaware, OH 4/25/16

If you were passing through Delaware, Ohio, you could’ve watched “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.” No, not the Clint Eastwood movie. I’m talking about this week’s city council meeting, which was such an adrenaline-filled roller-coaster ride, pregnant women should stop reading now.

First, the good news: Delaware needs more money to par-tay! “In case you haven’t noticed, we are going to have a record number of openings of parks, etc. over the next several weeks,” assistant city manager Jacqueline Walker boasted. “To celebrate these accomplishments for the citizens, we’re trying to”–get some strippers and champagne, ya’ll!–“have an additional $9,500 to pay for these openings as well as investing in a tent that actually has the City of Delaware logo.”

Oh, hell yeah! You can do anything in a tent–start a mosh pit, pass out city-branded key chains…Delaware, you nasty! Although, there’s one thing you can’t do in the tent: sit.

“You’re gonna have a tent? What about chairs?” asked Councilman Joe DiGenova, a huge fan of tush-resting.

“The tent that we’re looking at is a small place,” the assistant city manager explained. Okay, so maybe no mosh pit. Or even a barbecue pit. You’d be lucky to have room for peach pits in there.

Next up: the bad. During public comment, resident Dwayne “My Real Name” Johnson scissor-kicked the local watering hole.

“Does the city council currently have any plans to build a full size pool?” Johnson attacked.

“Well, we have a pool at Mingo [Park],” Mayor Carolyn Kay Riggle defended.

“If you go there during the summer, you can’t find a place to put your towel down and the pool’s full,” he body slammed her argument.

Councilman George Hellinger tagged in, saying they built a splash pad at Veterans Memorial Park.

“Why would you put a splash pad in rather than a regular pool like Mingo that has a kid’s pool?” Johnson heart punched.

“Well, now all the kids will be at the splash pad,” the mayor laughed nervously, sensing the K.O.

“Adults and teenagers are not going to sit on a splash pad. That’s not gonna happen.” Boom! Down for the count. The Need-Another-Pool Avenger does a massive take down of his arch-nemesis: the Delaware City Council.

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Dwayne Johnson: slayer of giants, enthusiast of empty pools

Finally, the ugly. It seems that there’s trash mysteriously appearing downtown, and Councilwoman Lisa Keller is patient zero. “I’ve become the face of downtown trash,” she warned. “I get messages that there’s trash–with pictures–and I forward them to the city manager. I’m happy to do it, but there’s got to be a better way.”

Councilman Herrington cut in: “‘I am the face of garbage in Delaware.’ That’s a great headline.”

Assistant city manager Walker took pity on the councilwoman from the Trashpile District. “That may not be sustainable for them to come out and pick that up. I agree with you, you shouldn’t be the face of that.” Things could be worse: she could be the face of the urine-saturated Mingo Park pool instead.

Final thoughts: I’m disappointed the council did not find the obvious solution: seal the new tent, fill it up with water so Dwayne can swim in it–and in exchange for his private pool, he has to pick up trash downtown.

#9: North Las Vegas, NV 4/20/16

Las Vegas, baby! A.K.A. Sin City. Hookerville, USA. Yeezus.

This city council meeting will be Off. The. Cha-what’s that? This is North Las Vegas?! Please tell me some of the debauchery trickles across the border.

“You just opened your new church and I was there maybe two months ago,” Mayor John Lee recalled after a pastor gave the kickoff prayer. “How is it going?”

“Amazing! Lots and lots of people,” the padre eagerly responded.

“Well, that’s blessing for our community,” the mayor nodded. Well, shucks. This is going to be as wholesome as a daycare. And speaking of children, “some Rancho High School students are here. We’re going to recognize the winners of the art show.”

The council descended to the floor, as Councilman Isaac Barron launched into a weird trip down memory lane. “There used to be this one show here in town–I was almost a radio personality. There was a reggae show and the host always ended the show with saying ‘and remember, if you don’t like reggae, you don’t like life.’ In this case, I would say if you don’t like art, you don’t like life.”

Smooth, Councilman. Very smooth, mon.

The council handed an award to a moody teen who could not have looked less happy to be there. She won first prize for her performance piece, “MOM!!! You’re embarrassing me in front of my council members!”

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Did Picasso get an award from his city council? I think not!

At this point, Councilwoman Pamela Goynes-Brown had an announcement. “A couple of weeks ago the mayor and myself attended the Goodwill annual community recognition luncheon. But the good thing is-” she could barely contain her excitement as she stood up-“we all received one of these bags!” She flaunted her man-sized tote bag, which she would use to collect donations.

An aide piped up: “Mayor, also on Tuesday at the Goodwill, you will be here at 11 a.m. in a blue blazer collecting those donations.”

“Mayor, I think blue is your color,” complimented Councilman Richard Cherchio. “Maybe you can wear that bag. I think you’d look good in it.” Boom! Roasted.

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Councilwoman Pamela Goynes-Brown shows off her giant sack.

It was time for public comment. A citizen named Doris rolled up in a wheelchair and complained–very politely–about people leaving their debris in her path on the sidewalk. “How many hours does it take for somebody outside to clean up this mess?” she pleaded. “Work on making North Las Vegas a beautiful place to live. Not just better, but beautiful.”

“It’s possible we could deputize you,” Mayor Lee mused, “and give you a badge and a little red light and put you to work out there.”

“What would my role be?” Doris asked skeptically.

“Alex will figure that one out for you. You’re our favorite citizen!” the mayor said with a laugh. Oh, really? Is that how you treat your favorite citizens, mayor? By recruiting them to fight crime on the mean streets? Because if so…ALEX, MAKE HER A SUPERHERO! She shall be Debris Woman and ride a flying bulldozer.

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This is Doris. Do not f*ck with her.

Final thoughts: To paraphrase Councilman Barron, if you don’t like reggae, art, or city council meetings, you don’t like life. I give this meeting 2 stars: one for Doris and one for all the tush she’s gonna kick.

#8: Chino, CA 4/20/16

Anger. Frustration. Rage.

If you felt any of those things, you probably grabbed your pitchfork and headed down to the Chino City Council meeting. Mayor Dennis Yates was hot under the collar because some big-shot Malibu lawyer is suing. It seems that Chino, which is 53% Latino, has a council that is 100% gringo.

“They’re suing Highland, Rancho Cucamonga, and Upland,”  seethed City Attorney Jimmy Gutierrez. “He’s alleging that it has been number of years that there have been no Latino council members.”

Technically, Mr. Malibu is right on the money here. Chino hasn’t had a new council member since 2001, when fresh-faced Tom Haughey became White Person #5.

But that’s not the point. Thanks to this out-of-town ambulance chaser, the council has to carve up their beloved city like a Christmas ham into four or–stop it, you’re killing them!–six districts.

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But if the council turns into six people, where will they find the extra seats to-oh, never mind, there they are.

“That really bothers me because I love this city and I’ve lived here for a long time,” white citizen Toni thundered. “And I take pride in the fact that we are one community, not pockets.”

And lest you think she was anti-Latino people, she’ll have you know that she has two Latino friends.

“I know of two Latinos who were planning on running for council. Neither of them will be able to run based on this new system,” she revealed…until 2018, which, I mean is soooo far away. How many of us will even live that long, you know?

Toni tagged out to Jeff, who happened to be her husband. And what a surprise: Jeff, too, was a ball of fury.

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In solidarity with his brown friends, Jeff testified in his skin-toniest shirt.

He went back to their hypothetical Hispanic acquaintances, who you wouldn’t know because they go to a different school. “If these people were able to run…wouldn’t that eliminate this whole thing if one of them got elected?”

It’s not supposed to about race but it is,” the mayor sighed.

“It is a BS law,” Jeff sighed.

“Well, we all agree.”

Well, funny story. Not everyone agreed.

“My family came to Chino in the early 1900s. Both of my grandparents were migrants…they lived in tents,”said clearly-Latino citizen Jesus Rodriguez.

“I think it’s a good idea to have diversity in this city. No offense to anyone here, but I see that it hasn’t happened in a while,” he told the pale faces staring him down.

The final speaker was Paul Rodriguez, who wandered through a trippy defense of the new council districts.

“Let’s think of ourselves as a chain of pearls. Each pearl on that chain is actually part of the whole….Okay, we landed on the moon. Now we’re gonna move to Mars….If the whole body were an eye, where would the hearing be? If the whole body were hearing, where would the sense of smell be?”

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“If the whole body were made of pancakes, would we eat ourselves?”

Yeah, okay, Dr. Frankenstein. Let’s just shelve that dilemma for the next city council meeting. Mayor?

“Change is good. But to be forced to do something that doesn’t make sense…it’s aggravating and it’s upsetting.” Almost as upsetting as a body made out of eyes.

Final thoughts: A classic David and Goliath story! Little city versus big lawyer. Four districts versus six. Hearing versus sight. I give this meeting 2 out of 2 imaginary Latino neighbors.

#7: Troup, TX 4/12/16

City council day in Troup, Texas only comes ’round once a month. This tiny outpost of 1,900 people doesn’t need some fancy city hall with desks and microphones and such. They’re perfectly fine with foldin’ tables and the chairs you’d sit on in a high school cafeteria.

Heck, Troup is so easygoing that they’ll do a meeting without two of their five councilmen. Too bad for those guys: Councilman Gary Salyer brought potato chips and he wasn’t shy about passing them around!

The first order of business was for the mayor to approve a change in ambulance services. “I am prepared to sign it right now so you can leave with it,” Mayor Joe Carlyle said to some guy the hospital sent, adding his John Hancock to the note in blazingly fast legislative efficiency.

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The Troup City Council chamber doubles as the place where you go to learn about timeshares

The man thanked the mayor, announcing that “I’m gonna run over and give Neil some moral support at this other city council” in Henderson. He ran out, leaving the council with an audience of me.

“I’m on a diet. I’m gettin’ 400 calories a day right now,” the mayor groused, sipping a Big Gulp of something-or-other.

“Have one of these,” Councilman Salyer exclaimed, tossing the mayor his bag of chips.

“You drinkin’ all the whiskey you can?” city manager Gene Cottle inquired, jokingly (I think). Note to the council: I will spot you some dough for cushioned chairs and 1,600 more calories for your mayor.

Cranky as he was on his diet, the mayor took to complaining about the trains running through town and backing up traffic. “We’re gonna go and express dire concerns because it’s been about as bad as it’s ever been.”

At this point, everyone in the room raised their hackles about those darn trains.

“Again on Easter Sunday…Couldn’t get across the tracks!…Saturday, and then the Sunday morning…”

They agreed to complain some more and then moved on.

“We have several employees who are celebrating their tenth anniversary with the city in May, ” said the city manager. There could be a little shindig at the next meeting, but…

“I will not be at the May city council meeting,” he admitted.

“If we don’t have any pressing business,” let’s cancel it, said Mayor Carlyle. “Would there have to be a public notice that we’re canceling the meeting?”

“We just have to post it beforehand,” responded the secretary.

“I should be up to 800…900 calories by then,” the mayor mumbled, sipping his cup.

Finally: it seems the mayor’s wife has had some ugly-looking bathwater lately. Probably because the pump on well #2 blew itself up. This was hardly a crisis like the Fire of 1880 that destroyed the city, but still: it’s icky bathwater.

“If you let that water sit, you’ll notice that nothing settles out of that water,” the city manager noted, let’s say…reassuringly?

There was nothing they could do, so the council agreed to add it to the list of things to complain about.

Final thoughts: For a city plagued by tainted water, canceled meetings, and a questionable 400-calorie diet, the mayor showed great poise. I would give this meeting a rating, but sadly a train is blocking me, so oh well.

#6: Minneapolis, MN 4/15/16

Ah, Minneapolis. The prettier, more datable sibling of the Twin Cities. But at this week’s city council meeting, it was goodbye “Minnesota Nice” and hello “all-out warfare.”

No sooner had Council President Barbara Johnson opened the day’s agenda than a woman in the front row was hellbent on inserting herself into it.

“Council, I would like you to amend the agenda specific to Jamar Clark,” who was shot two weeks ago. “Our city isn’t responsive to the fact that-”

President Johnson leaned into the microphone. “Those who disrupt proceedings will be asked to leave.”

Front-row lady yielded no ground.  “WHY ARE YOU…KILL OUR RESIDENTS…SHAME!” she shrieked over the president’s warning.

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Protester: “You’ll never take me alive, coppers!”

“Remove this lady!” Johnson ordered, summoning two burly sentinels to eject the rabble rouser. Incredibly, another woman in the front row stood to take her place.

“Consider this on the agenda today-” she repeated.

Ma’am, ma’am! We are trying to conduct a city council meeting,” Johnson pleaded, emphasis on “trying.” “Please remove this lady.”

Burly bouncer #1 rushed again to the front row to seize the protester. But–are you sensing a pattern?–Old Yeller #3 picked up the diatribe mid-sentence!

“BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE A CHOICE,” she bellowed. “A CHOICE ABOUT WHICH SIDE-”

“Ma’am, I’m going to ask security to remove you,” the president reiterated, a phrase that will now be forever seared in my subconscious.

I don’t need to tell you perceptive people what happened next.

“EVEN THE FORMER CHIEF OF POLICE-” the fourth synchronized shouter wailed, loudest of all.

LOCK HER UP WITH THE OTHERS! GAG THEM ALL, President Johnson thundered. (I’m paraphrasing here.)

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Council President Barbara Johnson: “Save the scrawny one for me. I’ll finish her myself.”

At long, blessed last, the council could begin the People’s Business, although the lyrical chants of the dearly departed could still be heard from outside.

“The next item of business is to accept the minutes-”

NO JUSTICE! NO PEACE!

“Moved and seconded-”

NO JUSTICE!

“All in approval say aye-”

NO PEACE!

Council members had been holding their fire, but that all changed with consideration of the Third Avenue South bike lane proposal.

“I would like to move a substitute motion,” Councilmember Lisa Bender bombshelled.

Oh. S#%t. This daredevil diva wanted to take Third Avenue downtown from four lanes to an insane three lanes with bike space and a center turn lane!

“I use Third Street about four or five times per day,” physically fit Councilmember Jacob Frey bragged. “I use it more than anyone else in the city other than the guys that ride their bikes for Jimmy John’s.” It’s dangerous, he said. And he’ll be voting for the three lanes.

“I bicycle every day, year-round on Third Avenue, sometimes with my two small children,” Councilmember Bender responded. Jesus, is this a competition for who has the most badass commute? Does any council member ride a unicycle in the snow with immigrant laborers hanging onto their their back?

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Councilmember Jacob Frey commutes every day to City Hall from his home in Handsometown.

President Johnson called the vote.

It failed. 6-7.

Even though the Rebel Alliance lost out to the Empire, they would still get their bike lanes. No-voting Councilmember Lisa Goodman rubbed in her victory: “I think we’ve won and the feeling that we haven’t won enough makes me sad.”

Final thoughts: On drama, I give this meeting 4 out of 4 screaming protesters. On results, I’ll award only 3 out of 4 lanes because Councilmember Goodman feels sad.

#5: River Falls, WI 4/12/16

Hiya dere, Badger Staters! Who’s ready for a trip up the Kinnickinnic River to River Falls, Wisconsin? Yah? Sure, you betcha!

The chief cheesehead at the city council was Mayor Dan Toland. Don’t let his facial hair deceive you: while he may have the beard and mustache of a movie villain, he’s got the accent of every Little League coach within 1,000 miles of Chicago.

“If anybody in the audience has anything to say, now would be the time,” the mayor started out, waving people toward the guest book at the microphone.

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The Breakfast Club–I mean, citizens of River Falls, watch the meeting.

Jeff and Larry took the bait. “We’re planing to build in the new industrial park,” they said, looking like…well, two guys who’re gonna build in the new industrial park.

“For those that don’t know me, I was born and raised a River Falls native and grew up on a dairy farm around here,” said Jeff, wisely appealing to the utter-squirters in the crowd. “Mr. Cronk taught me in sixth grade, I believe. Science,” he said, waving at Alderperson David Cronk.

Larry briefly interjected: “I have to apologize, I’m not a native to Wisconsin…but I grew up in Stillwater, Minnesota.” Naturally, as a Minnesotan, he’s legally required to apologize whenever possible.

“We’re dreaming of being wildly successful and I think we’re well on our way,” Larry humblebragged.

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Jeff and Larry, or as I call them “Casual” and “Sporty”

The next commenter was…I wanna say…Tim?

“My name’s Tim. We’re also doing a development. Gonna be their neighbors it sounds like,” Tim said. “I just wanna introduce myself. Like I said, we’re really excited. Just wanted to say hi.”

Wow, the industrial park is gonna be quite the hang-out spot. Bring your s’mores and some Miller Lites over to Jeff, Larry, and Tim’s place!

“I got some plaques to hand out to some of our alderpersons that are retiring and stepping down,” the mayor said, bounding down from the dais. “So give me a minute…I’ll try to embarrass them.”

Three whole alderpersons were skee-daddling: Jim Nordgren (“whenever we need a fill-in, he’s always the guy”), Aaron Taylor (“he had other things to do”), and Dan Gulick (“he’s got all sorts of stuff going on”).

The mayor handed each of them a plaque, which I’m sure they’ll cherish as they do their other things and stuff.

Water talk was up next from Kevin Westhuis, the utility director. “We are gonna be painting Sycamore water tower this year and someone said, ‘well geez, I heard a rumor that you’re gonna paint the tower a different color and I heard that UW’s going on the tower.’ UW River Falls is gonna pay to put its little logo on the tower and it looks like this,” he said, holding up this obscene smutpiece:

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Sycamore water tower’s new logo is puuuuuuurrrrrreeeeee sex.

Finally, the police chief stepped up to break some news about the weather siren schedule. “Normally it’s the fourth Monday of each month at 1 p.m.But due to the emergency preparedness week, this Thursday we’re gonna have two different times. One’s gonna be at 1:45 pm. and the other one’s gonna be at 6:55 pm.”

“This is the first time we’ve done one so late in the evening,” he admitted, casting aside the dozens of “Jeopardy!”  viewers who will mistakenly think the loud buzzing is their hearing aid.

Final thoughts: By far the nicest buncha folks you ever did see at a council shindig! Jeff, Larry, and Tim are welcome to crash on my couch anytime. I give this meeting 2 out of 2 emergency airhorns.