Category: Northwest

#23: Portland, OR 5/25/16

Say the word “Portland” and people think of baristas, bikers, and brunch-guzzling hipsters. But now, I hope you’ll also remember the Rose City for its generous, almost masochistic public comment period.

Rest assured: there was nooooo shortage of comments.

“Vic Remmers is holding my life hostage. The ransom is $700,000,” a woman exhaled, dramatically over-pronouncing everything like a “Shakespeare in the Park” performer. “My dream house…it is going to be demolished. And Vic Remmers said he would replace it with 12 condos. I’m terrified–terrified!”

There was applause from the gallery when she breathlessly finished. “If you have a minute, you can stop in my office and talk to Camille,” Mayor Charlie Hales informed her, casually tossing Camille under the bus.

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Vic Remmers may be bad, but this video quality is GOOD!

The council turned to a routine bill about automobile accident investigations and, fortunately for us, was obligated to open up the floor.

“We would like to know if these investigations would include a chief of police shooting his friend, and the mayor covering it up for a month,” the yellow-shirted man tethered to an oxygen tank wheezed.

“We’ll have that conversation some other time,” Mayor Hales warned.

“I’m SURE you don’t want to talk about this, mayor!” gasped the man. “You covered up the shooting over a month where the chief of police lied!”

Hizzoner seethed. “You can testify, but I’m not going to be cross-examined.”

“You should be arrested! You should resign, sir!” roared the man, before wheeling his oxygen tank away.

(I normally don’t do background research on what I hear at council meetings. But it turns out, this routine crazy person actually DID have a point.)

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WELP, THAT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE.

The next commenter read at length from his beefy packet of papers. “If I can just take a minute to go off topic a bit, we’re in a leadership vacuum. What’s lacking is leadership, due to everyone’s voice being heard,” he complained through a mouth-hole that allowed HIS voice to be heard.

“We just spent 10 minutes on a rant that has nothing to do with this issue,” Commissioner Nick Fish snapped afterward. “I think it’s disrespectful to the people that are actually ahead in the queue.” Subtext: CAN WE GET THROUGH THIS ALREADY?

The final controversial issue was that the Washington Park Reservoir needs to be rebuilt for various reasons–not the least of which is that it isn’t earthquake proof. You would think people would sympathize, buuuuuuttttt…

“This is an offensive bullying tactic by our lame-duck mayor and our unethical, offensive commissioners on behalf of their crony contractors,” a woman barked at the council. They stared bleary-eyed back at her. If there is a purgatory, this comes pretty close to it.

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We could protect the reservoir from earthquakes and landslides…or listen to the angry lady.

Trying to close on a happy note, Commissioner Amanda Fritz announced: “I want to call to your attention that John Zoller is retiring–”

“What?!” Zoller blurted off camera.

“Am I correct on that?” the bewildered commissioner asked. Then, apologizing for the misinformation, “I’m getting very tired. We’ve been here for three and a half hours!”

Gee, I wonder why.

Final thoughts: Trust me, I left out a lot. Including the guy who goes only by “Lightning” and the man in a pink ballcap who commented so many times that I lost count. I give this meeting 4 out of 5 muscle relaxers.

#12: Washington City, UT 4/27/16

Huge turnout at tiny Washington City’s council meeting! The good people of southwestern Utah filled the bleachers for one reason: the swearing in of their rugged new fire captain.

“I solemnly swear that I will support, obey, and defend the laws and ordinances of Washington City,” this hunky hero vowed.

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What a crowd!

A standing ovation erupted in the audience! Huzzahs flowed freely! And then…they all left. No doubt to serenade the town’s new beefcake with champagne and concubines. Speaking of which:

“Last Saturday we had our annual princess contest,” Mayor Ken Neilson reminded everyone. “Our princesses are currently helping out with the rodeo so they’re not able to be here.”

The celebrations kept on comin’: “On the 7th, annually we do a breakfast for the Iron Man as they come through Washington. I invite ya’ll to come help me flip some pancakes,” the mayor/chef announced.

“We better go get some candy,” a voice mumbled. “We gotta bribe the kids to like us somehow.”

“Denise can get some for you!” the mayor blurted, volunteering Denise for sugar duty.

Apparently, the city council had morphed into the party planning committee, for Councilwoman Kolene Granger had grandiose plans of Caligula-like proportions.

“I know that that they want to come and visit the council again,” she said of Dixie State University–the fightin’ Trailblazers. “I think we ought to get hats of some sort. In deference to the Rebels, the colors are gray, blue, and red.”

(Ah, yes. This year, Dixie State became the Trailblazers. They used to be the Rebels, but changed it because of cough, slavery, cough. Old mascot: racist Confederate soldier. New mascot: friendly bison!)

“I’m suggesting that we perhaps buy one of the bison and get it decorated and perhaps put city logos or city calendars on it. They’re fiberglass but kids can sit on them and we can color them the way we want,” Councilwoman Granger mused.

“I’ll put one in my front yard,” Councilman Troy Belliston chuckled. Send me one too, councilman. It’ll look great next my confederate general statue.

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Yes, who could forget the Civil War’s many bloody battles in Southwest Utah

Finally, the council had a meaty piece of business to chew on: the owner of 141 South Main Street wanted to weasel out of building a new sidewalk and gutter. Technically, the pesky rules say he has to. But no one else around him is doing it, sooooo…

“It’s gonna be sticking out there like a sore thumb,” the man sighed.

“I don’t have a problem waiving it today. But at the same time I worry because we’ve kind of waived so many that we’ve never started” building the danged gutters, Councilman Thad Seegmiller fretted.

“I agree,” the man countered with reverse-psychology jujitsu. “I have nothing against the curb and gutter. If you folks choose to have me put it in, I’ll put it in.”

Councilman Seegmiller folded like a lawn chair. “Well, mayor, I would like to see us get curb and gutter downtown, but there’s nobody with curb and gutter on his entire block.”

The honorable mayor agreed. “Don’t mess up the ditch!” he hollered. They voted to waive the curb and gutter.

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“Get your minds out of the gutter–specifically, my gutter.”

Final thoughts: With a new fire captain on duty, the council meeting was definitely not a barnburner.  I give this meeting 3 out of 5 fiberglass bison.

#2: Post Falls, ID 4/5/16

Big news from potato country: Mayor Ron Jacobson is on vacay to sunny Cabo. Yes, while the head honcho enjoys tequilas and senoritas, the six amigos on the city council stayed home to crack open an icy can of the People’s Business.

Firebrand three-term councilor and 2013 Citizen of the Year Linda Wilhelm kicked things off with an award for Post Falls’s newest Eagle Scout. “Every young man in Post Falls who makes Eagle Scout comes to city council and gets an award for that,” she explained, bragging that this uniformed lad had selflessly built a walking path at the Post Falls senior center to earn his stripes. In return, Councilor Wilhelm bestowed a gift that would impress any strapping teen.

“This is a buck knife and your name is spelled right on the knife,” she beamed. “Be careful with that.”

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Post Falls’s newest Eagle Scout receives a buck knife and the legal right to hunt and kill anyone from Kootenai County for 24 hours

The feel-good vibes kept rolling with an announcement that Corbin Park was just named Idaho’s Best Disc Golf Course (for those of you looking for a new vacation spot). And the 12th annual tree giveaway is this Saturday, with each citizen being able to claim a Caligula-like THREE trees. What a leafy utopia Post Falls shall be after this Saturday!

The good news didn’t stop there in this hardy hamlet: Police Chief Haug muscled his way to the podium to offer a commendation to one of his boys in blue. Seems that back in February, Officer Koontz stopped a screw-loose man from 86-ing himself off the Interstate 90 overpass. “That’s why we love this town so much,” interjected Councilor Wilhelm. “It gets me a little choked up.”

After brushing aside the tears, it was time for the “citizens issues” section, a.k.a. public comment. “I don’t see anyone running up here,” Councilor Wilhelm observed after a moment’s pause. Indeed, all 30,000 Post Falls residents were nestled snug in their beds. Except Mayor Jacobson, who was likely nestled between a Jacuzzi and a margarita the size of his head.

Now for some playtime! Or at least, as close as we’re going to get: the Post Falls parks manager was here to talk about playgrounds. A decadent 13 playgrounds dot the city’s landscape and offer a bulwark against what he called “the computerized world.” Hey, buddy: I’m watching you through the magic of the computerized world. Try streaming video on a jungle gym and tell me how it goes.

Suddenly, the cogs of government ground to a halt. Hawk-eyed Councilor Alan Wolfe had been perusing the Parks Department policy and made a SHOCKING discovery. “There is no Section 9,” he bombshelled.

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Councilor Alan Wolfe: “I will go postal if you do not show me Section 9.”

Confusion reigned. Women gasped. Babes wept.

“Is there any reason why there’s no Section 9?”

For a moment, Post Falls, Idaho entered DEFCON-2.

Then, under her breath, Councilor Kerri Thoreson muttered, “All the secret covert stuff is in there.”

Whew. Tension defused.

With that, Councilor Wilhelm announced, “We do need an executive session for 15 minutes” to “acquire an interest in real property,” which sounds like code for “buying land–say, a beachfront condo in Cabo, with no mayors allowed.”

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I had to watch this bridge for 15 minutes

Final thoughts: Clocking in at a cool 45 minutes, these people kept it short, sweet, and focused on the thing that really matters: the tree giveaway this Saturday. I give this meeting 3 out of 3 free saplings.