#68: Garden City, MI 11/21/16

Three days before Thanksgiving, the Garden City council was ablaze in festivity. I don’t know if everyone was hopped up on cranberry sauce or had been mainlining gravy in the bathroom, but city council members were chomping like Santa’s reindeer to do the People’s Business.

And it all kicked off with this electrifying audiovisual overload for the National Anthem, complete with a booming choir and tear-jerking stock footage:

What’s even more American than a waving flag? How about a waving Santa:

“I wanted to remind everybody that immediately following the Santaland Parade this Saturday, we will have Santa down at the old farmers market,” the city’s downtown development director reminded all the good little girls and boys.

“We will have cookies and hot chocolate for everybody and I believe the mayor will also be handing Santa the key to the city.” Hold the phone, mayor. Don’t you know how Santa works? He doesn’t NEED a key–he just slides down the chimney at city hall. DUH.

And speaking of sliding, a lady from the county commissioner’s office was all smiles about her own early Christmas present: a shiny new road.

“It’s looking GOOD!” she marveled. “I don’t know if you’ve been down on Cherry Hill Road but it is smooth as a whistle! They were working like ants. I’m like, WHOA!”

As a whistle! That is impressive! Most roads I’ve ridden on are smooth as a bumpy graham cracker. Clearly some deal with the devil was made here to get a whistle-smooth piece of turnpike.

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“This road is slicker than a stick of butter in a microwave.”

However, the city council meeting was about careen through some deep potholes. And like most headaches, it started when the mayor opened up public comment on a contract to purchase discounted gasoline.

“How much money?!” shouted an elderly man in a neon safety vest as he hunched menacingly behind the podium.

“We’re getting it for 98 cents a gallon,” Mayor Randy Walker patiently explained.

“HUH?!” the man screamed.

“Gasoline for the police cars, fire trucks,” the mayor raised his own voice.

“BP has it $1.98!” the man slurred in disbelief.

“We get it cheaper. They don’t have to put all the taxes on it,” Mayor Walker reassured his accuser. “That’s a pretty good deal. I’ll take that.”

The elderly man, satisfied that Santa Claus wasn’t pulling a fast one on the taxpayers, turned and sat down.

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Why is everyone else not wearing their protective safety gear?!

Next, it was Mayor Pro Tem Pat Squires’s turn to talk turkey. Clad in a pink “Santaland Parade” hoodie, she read from her notes. “I move to purchase an aerial lift truck from Wolverine Freightliner. Our old one is 26 years old and it is not able to be used anymore according to the state of Michigan.”

Well, that didn’t sit right with Mr. Vesty McYellington, who immediately shuffled to the podium.

“You can fix it up!”

Mayor Walker was insistent. “It’s 26 years old. We gotta get a new one!”

“Why buy a new one?! Fix it up! It’s my money! My tax dollars!” raspily bellowed this modern-day Scrooge.

But the mayor had made his list and checked it twice. “Oh-kay,” he sighed. Then the council voted: Garden City was getting a new truck under the tree.

Final thoughts: I give 10 out of 10 stars to Santa for delivering a smooth road, new truck, and amazing gas prices to Garden City. See you at the parade!

Interview #22: Jackson, MS Councilman De’Keither Stamps (with podcast)

This podcast interview is available on iTunes, Stitcher, Player FM and right here:

De’Keither Stamps is a farmer, soldier, motivational speaker, and future White House visitor who also is a Jackson city councilman. We talked about his unusually high level of commitment to city council meetings and what it cost him to become a councilman.

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Q: Something that’s different about Jackson city council meetings is that you bring in a piece of artwork to put behind you every meeting and then you recognize the artist. When did that start?

A: That was Councilman [Tyrone] Hendrix’s idea. And it’s a good idea to recognize the artist.

Q: What’s been your favorite piece?

A: The lady who had the bottle caps and the tiles that she had done some mosaic-type artwork…it was really nice. I like the art that actually means something–I don’t like the decorative kind of stuff.

Q: Yeah, I’m with you. You were a motivational speaker and you still have some videos on YouTube. This video is called “2 Keys to Success”:

That brings up the question: what did it cost you to become a city councilman?

A: Personally, I got pulled over by [Jackson police] and didn’t like the way I was treated. Getting no assistance, that started me down the road of, “if you’re not gonna help me, I need to get rid of you.” I knew it was gonna…financially, it definitely–city council only pays $300 a week. I was making $7,000 a speech, so–

Q: Yeah, that’s a tough call.

A: So it’s a little difference on the pay side. But the value in helping folks out, that’s way beyond any monetary kind of value. There’s definitely an emotional cost because your entire life is open to public scrutiny and ridicule.

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Jackson, MS Councilman De’Keither Stamps

Q: I have watched a few segments from your last couple of meetings. It seems to me that you in particular get frustrated that the city council is not doing 100 percent of its job.

A: Well, I mean…everyone has their differences of opinion of how things should go. And they’re entitled to them. We’ve made some structural changes. We used to meet every week. And I said, “this is an inefficient workflow. Why did we just come in here to vote for two items that could be on the other two weeks’ meetings?”

Q: How many council members stay to the end of the meetings?

A: [Pause] Um, I don’t keep track of it. I stay till most of the end of all them.

Q: Do council meetings matter more to you than to the other council members do you think?

A: Well, I have a different level of commitment. I live my life in a very different space. See, um, I’m willing to die for what I believe in. So the commitment level for me for the things I believe in is different.

Q: Big news for you: in a couple of days, you’re going to Washington, D.C. to be part of the presidential transition! Are you going to be taking down the portraits of George Washington and putting up pictures of his golf course?

A: Ha, no, we’ll be in a series of briefings to ensure several issues we’ve been working on don’t fall through the cracks.

Follow Councilman De’Keither Stamps on Twitter: @DeKeitherStamps

#67: Steinbach, MB 11/15/16

Three days ago, I would have considered Manitoba to be one of the top ten Canadian provinces. But after watching this week’s short, sweet, and dignified Steinbach city council meeting, I think Manitoba is now firmly in the top nine.

“Recently, I had the privilege of turning 60 years of age,” Councilor Jac Siemens announced at the top of the evening. “I feel a great divide between where I have been and where I’m going. The older I get, the more I look back and I see many years of laughing, hurting, crying, working way too much, playing too little–and not stopping enough to celebrate.”

Wow, this sounds more like an “I’m a-leavin'” speech than a “welcome to the meeting” message. As long as he doesn’t pull out a guitar and sing “Cats in the Cradle,” I can hold it together.

“As I celebrate my first 60 years on this earth, I brace myself for the remaining years. When I turned 50, I wrote a list representing 50 things I learned so far in my life. So now, I’ve added ten more to that list.” He flipped the page and unloaded his wisdom on the unsuspecting masses.

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Lesson 1: red carpet makes the floor look like lava.

“In no particular order, here they are.”

  •  We can’t always tell the truth but we must try very hard never to tell a lie.
  • Dress properly.
  • Life’s biggest joys are spouse, family, friends, parents, children, and grandchildren.
  • Worrying is a waste of time.
  • Age should make us better, not bitter about who we are.
  • If I can’t change my situation, I can always change my perspective.

Inspiring stuff. I encourage everyone to print out this review and tape it to your cubicle. Instead of a cat telling you to “hang in there,” it’s a kindly Canadian man saying to “dress properly.”

You had one more thing, councilor?

“I have learned to ride a bike, with all the joy that it gives me. When I am on a bike, all I can do is crank on those pedals,” Siemens boasted as he wrapped his valedictory speech.

Mayor Chris Goertzen had a musing of his own. “Council, I have a question. And there will be a statement before that question,” he politely alerted them.

“Council, we saw that the Penfeld and Number 12 intersection has been virtually complete now. It’s functioning well, but one of the things we do need to recognize is there are quite a number of businesses that have really had a lot of patience along the Number 12 highway.”

The mayor glanced from side to side. “I think we need to publicly acknowledge many of those businesses along there that have suffered through this a little bit–and we wanna say thank you. So my question to you is: do you agree?”

The councilors stared blankly. Suddenly, one courageous soul–no doubt reflecting on Jac Siemens’s 60 Life Lessons–mumbled, “yes.”

And THAT, my friends, is lesson #61: always say thank you.

#66: Daly City, CA 11/14/16

Saying farewell to your fearless leader is a sad occasion. But luckily, retiring Mayor Sal Torres was not leaving without a playful jab at his successor.

“Before we get started, I want to make a note of introducing a couple people. Let me start with our newly elected council members: Mr. Glenn Sylvester. Hi, Glenn. Welcome,” His Honor gestured to the newbie councilman in the audience.

After the applause died down, Torres deadpanned, “thank you for not wearing the Hawaiian shirt tonight.”

“I like that Hawaiian shirt!” Council Member Judith Christensen bellowed.

The mayor flashed a good-natured smile Sylvester’s way. “We’re gonna rib you until…whenever.”

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Tepid claps for Hawaiian shirts

In other big news, the “Light Up Our World” art festival is this Saturday–with music, visual art, and…other attractions.

“Together we will form the shape of a heart to symbolize our love for art and our community. Our candles will be powerful and will bring light into darkness,” the organizer described enthusiastically.

Mayor Torres cut in as if she had forgotten something crucial. “You didn’t mention anything about storytelling.”

After a beat, a look of realization dashed across the woman’s face. “I’m very sorry: Mayor Sal is going to have a story time–”

“That’s not why I mentioned it!” the mayor exclaimed as the room laughed.

“You’ll be able to see the book projected on the screen,” she tantalized the crowd. Mayor Torres deftly pulled out the exact book in question and twirled it for dramatic effect.

“Ahhhhh,” the audience approved.

“There’s way too much text in this,” Torres joked. He appeared to be holding a children’s picture book.

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Might I suggest reading this council meeting review to the people, Your Honor?

With the art festival sufficiently previewed, it was time to move along. “We’re on to public hearings,” somewhat regretfully announced the mayor.

Council Member Christensen rubbed her hands giddily. “Now we get down to business!”

Even though everyone began walking out on his final meeting, the mayor held no grudge. “Thank you, everyone….Have a good night….Don’t forget your coat.”

It was time for public comment. “Probably my favorite time of night over the last few years,” Mayor Torres quipped. “Let me start with the always entertaining Marian Mann.”

An older woman in a bright patterned shirt crossed her arms on the podium. “When I realized that our mayor was retiring…20 years ago he won his election and he’s been here ever since. I want to thank you.”

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Twenty years? That’s more council meetings than even *I’m* willing to watch!

She pointed to the aisle seat on her right. “I’ve been sitting there 38 years–”

“I know,” the mayor murmured.

“–But you’ve done a good job. I can’t believe your kids are so old! Also, I would like to say that I like the two people that were elected to council. They’re young. They’re fresh. Sal, you’ve really done a remarkable job and you’ve always been the true gentleman.”

She smiled, but barely. “I don’t know if I should say thank you,” she waved her arm at the mayor and turned back to her chair. “Oh, all right. Thank you.”

Final thoughts: Obviously, 10 out of 10 stars to the mayor. We at The Chronicles will deeply miss you, even though we only found out about you this week.

Interview #21: Burlington, VT Councilor Selene Colburn (with podcast)

This podcast interview is available on iTunes, Stitcher, Player FM and right here:

Vermont is the land of maple syrup and Bernie Sanders. But it’s also home to some spicy city council happenings. I talked to Burlington Councilor Selene Colburn, who has some interesting connections to famous Vermonters and is also a dancer/choreographer!

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Q: What’s the turnout like at city council meetings?

A: We have pretty packed meetings from time to time. Right now, we’re debating whether to change our zoning to allow a 14-story mall. Which doesn’t sound very tall, but it would be the tallest building in the state of Vermont.

Q: Fourteen stories?

A: Fourteen. And it would cause us to lose our distinction of being the state with the smallest tallest building. I think that honor will go to Maine!

Q: You have 12 council members. Four are Democrats, four are Progressive, three are independent, and one is a Republican. That sounds messy. Is it?

A: We make it work. It is pretty wild to have one Republican on a city council of 12 in a city of 40,000 people.

Q: Is this guy more of a build-the-wall Republican or an urbane, rational Republican?

A: He is not a build-the-wall Republican. He also serves dually as a state legislator and city councilor simultaneously. He’s what we call a “Vermont Republican.”

Q: In addition to being a city councilor, you are a dancer and a choreographer. If you could take the city council meetings and toss them aside and choreograph them to make them really pop, what would you change?

A: The public forum part is really frustrating for the public because they get their two minutes and they get to talk at the council–and then we move forward. There’s no back and forth from that point on really. Thinking choreographically, that’s like a prelude to the performance that compositionally doesn’t ping back to the main event ever.

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Burlington, VT Councilor Selene Colburn

Q: If Burlington city council meetings were a Ben & Jerry’s flavor, what would they be?

A. Hazed and Confused

B. Americone Dream

C: Vanilla

A: Definitely not vanilla. I’m gonna have to go with Hazed and Confused.

Q: You do realize that is a reference to marijuana, right?

A: [Laughs]

Q: Have you met Ben and/or Jerry?

A: I have! Jerry just endorsed my campaign. They’re really active locally politically. They never go anywhere without scooping ice cream. Every event we have in Vermont that is remotely lefty and political, someone is there scooping free Ben & Jerry’s.

Q: You would think with all that dessert, Vermont would be one of the most obese states.

A: We’re not, we’re pretty healthy. We walk, bike…jump around. I had a meeting with [a constituent] about some of her concerns about a project and she was like, “ugh! Enough with the walking and the biking and the jumping! I’m so tired of hearing about all the jumping!”

Q: [Laughs] Now, we are taping this before Election Day, but you are running for the Vermont state house of representatives and you are unopposed. So congratulations on your victory.

A: Thank you! I hope there’s no vigorous write-in campaign in the last 48 hours.

Q: That would be terrible news. And Donald Trump is our president now, so that’s not ideal.

A: [Gasp]

Follow Councilor Selene Colburn on Twitter: @selene_colburn

#65: Lawrenceburg, TN 11/10/16

Small-town charm was on full display at the Lawrenceburg city council meeting. From the Mayberry-like feeling in the room, you’d barely know that the country was in turmoil outside of city hall.

“We’ll be closed tomorrow for Veterans Day. The parade starts at 11 o’clock,” solemnly announced Mayor Keith Durham. “So guys, if you wanna ride with my dad, he’s got his truck ready to go.”

Wow, an official councilmobile! Crank up the bass and fasten on the truck nuts, boys! Oh, but bring a Snuggie, says Hizzoner:

“You’re welcome to ride with us in the back of the truck. It may be a little chilly. But we’ll have lawn chairs.”

It’s how Caligula would have traveled if his dad owned a truck.

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Seat belts not included

“Next, gentlemen: a resolution for the city of Lawrenceburg to reappoint Gary Hyde as the representative to the Regional Solid Waste Planning Board,” the council’s reader said.

The mayor scratched his nose and glanced at Hyde across the room. “Are you okay with that, Gary?”

“Yes, sir,” the man responded stiffly.

“We have appointed people without their permission, you know,” the mayor explained to chuckles.

Your Honor, feel free to appoint me to anything you want without my consent. Solid Waste…Liquid Waste…Human Waste…I would be proud to represent your city at the waste level.

“Next, gentlemen: a resolution to approve the purchase of a 2009 Chevrolet Silverado 1500 crew cab from Mike James for the use of Lawrenceburg Parks and Recreation Department. Purhase price is $10,500.”

Council Member Jamie Sevier stopped writing and looked up. “How’d this deal come up, Chris?”

Chris Shaffer, the city administrator, elaborated: “This was approved in the budget to replace the old black van that Parks and Recreation uses. Pam looked at this vehicle and felt it was a good deal.”

“I know Mike was asking $13.5, Pam?” Council Member Ronald Fox inquired.

“Yes, sir,” Pam called out.

“And they talked him down from $13.5 to $10.5 so I believe it’s a pretty good deal,” he nodded at Pam’s negotiating expertise. “It looked like a pretty good truck.”

Mayor Durham frowned. “Are you going to sell the ‘mystery machine’ as a result?”

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File photo of the Parks and Recreation director

The city administrator grinned. “We’re gonna try to.”

“Might save it for Halloween!” Council Member Fox quipped.

Or perhaps the next parade. I’m sure you could fit lawn chairs and four councilmen inside–and Papa Durham could use his truck bed for less fleshy cargo.

“All right. If you’re in favor of this, let me know by saying aye,” the mayor boomed. Everyone was an “aye.”

But Fox was already waxing nostalgic for the van. “Mayor, maybe they can paint this pickup black!”

Final thoughts: I give 10 out of 10 stars to Pam for knocking $3k off the asking price. She should be allowed to ride in the truck with you guys.

Special Feature! “Best Thing, Worst Thing”

Hey, City Councilheads! Today we debut a special, semi-regular feature called “Best Thing, Worst Thing.” (No, it’s not about the election.) For an explanation of the project, check out the page here. If you like storytelling and municipal lore, I think you’ll dig what the chef cooked up.

To dive right in, head over to the City Council Chronicles podcast and download the latest episode. Or you can play it below.

Episode 1: Castle Rock, Colorado

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Source: Town of Castle Rock

Castle Rock is a town of 56,000 people located in Douglas County, 30 miles south of Denver. It is named after a distinct rock formation at the north end of the historic downtown. Outside of downtown, there are also several office parks, subdivisions, and the Outlets retail area. Castle Rock’s population is largely wealthy and white. Historically, Douglas County has been rural–home to ranchers. In the last several decades, it has grown dramatically as a Denver suburb. In this episode, we hear from a businesswoman, a pastor, a former Navy SEAL, and the town’s mayor.

Interview #20: Mesa, AZ PIO Kevin Christopher (with podcast)

This podcast interview is available on iTunes, Stitcher, Player FM and right here:

If you saw the Mesa city council meeting review, you’ll recognize Kevin Christopher as the announcer of a HUGE agenda. But did you know he once reported on city council meetings? He did–and he has the stories to prove it!

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Q: You were a journalist covering city council meetings in the early 1980s. How were meetings different in the ’80s other than, obviously, uglier eyeglasses?

A: Yeah, and interesting hair and fashion! I think the biggest change is the technology. Nowadays, it’s very easy to find out the agendas.

Q: Were there always a lot of spectators?

A: I think because [Midwesterners] have deep roots, they tend to be a little more passionate about issues. We always had pretty good crowds. Madison had like 20 aldermen–for a population of about 250,000–

Q: Wow! Chicago has 50 alderman, and they certainly have more than double the population of Madison.

A: Even that’s huge. Fifty people! Cincinnati had nine. Mesa has seven.

Q: What do you think is the ideal number of city council members?

A: I think seven or nine is good.

Q: When you started in Cincinnati, Jerry Springer was there. Did he stand out at all during council meetings?

A: He was pretty colorful. He was very charismatic and personable and I think that’s what was very appealing.

Q: You’ve sat through city council meetings in Cincinnati, Madison, and Mesa. Take me down the list–who stuck out?

A: I think the most memorable was a woman in Cincinnati. It wasn’t her real name, but she went by Fifi Taft Rockefeller. She claimed to have affairs with presidents and Winston Churchill. She’d be at city council almost all the time.

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Mesa, AZ Public Information Officer Kevin Christopher

A: Generally you put like a three-minute limit on people to speak. And in Madison, they didn’t do that. I’m thinking, “no wonder these meetings go six and seven hours.”

Q: They had no time limits?

A: No! I thought that was insane.

Q: It is! Other than running egregiously long meetings, how did council members treat you in the media?

A: As long as you were fair, they treated you very well. I remember in Cincinnati, they all enjoyed the microphones and cameras. If it wasn’t a particular hot button issue being debated at the time, they would get up in the middle of the meeting and you could go to the back of the room and talk.

Q: For your current job in Mesa, you read the entire agenda–45 items–and it took you eight whole minutes to get through. Do you prepare for that? Do you do vocal warm ups?

A: I look it over. There’s a few tricky–with restaurants and things that are in Spanish. My favorite of all time: a liquor license application for “What the Hell Bar & Grill.”

Q: Are there any memorable moments from Mesa?

A: When I first came to the city, we had one council member, Tom Rawles, who decided back in 2007 he was not going to stand for the Pledge of the Allegiance. So he kind of pulled a Colin Kaepernick. This was a protest against the war in Iraq. All of a sudden we started getting these people showing up at meetings and criticizing him. He actually got police protection for a few days to be safe. I’m not sure what he’s doing now.

#64: Hackensack, NJ 11/1/16

EDITOR’S NOTE: This meeting was insane. Therefore, I turned my review into a dramatic reading. For your listening pleasure:

It was a typical day at the Hackensack city council–which, for a normal person, would be absolutely terrifying.

A tall man lumbered to the podium, his shoulders hunched and his hands meaty.

“Richard Salkin in Hackensack, New Jersey,” he announced.

From the back of the room came a heckler’s yell. “WHAT ADDRESS?”

The man, Salkin, threw up his hands and made it clear: do not f*ck with me.

“I’m not going to be interrupted by Lenny Nix. It’s just not gonna happen.”

Mayor John Labrosse smacked his gavel from his high perch. “Lenny! Do not interrupt. He said Hackensack. That’s fine.”

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“Everything is fine. This wood is bulletproof, right?”

Ohhhh, mayor. Things were anything BUT fine. Because Mr. Salkin wheeled around and pounced on his accuser.

“151 PROSPECT AVENUE,” he screamed. “YOU WANNA GO SLASH MY TIRES?! HAVE A GOOD TIME!”

I assure him: at this point, no one was having a good time–especially now that he started talking about his wife’s lawsuit against the very city council members he was shouting at.

“The case soon will be awaiting a trial date–” he began, before Mayor Labrosse jumped in with the gavel.

“Mr. Salkin, I hate to interrupt you, but we’re not going to discuss current litigation.”

This only made his veins pop harder. “I don’t CARE if you discuss it or not! I can speak about whatever I want. Please reset it since I was interrupted!” he hollered at the timekeeper.

What came next was a verbal avalanche of biblical proportions. A tsunami of hatred aimed at the mayor and Deputy Mayor Kathleen Canestrino.

“Mr. Labrosse and Mrs. Canestrino seem to enjoy vilifying victims of your misdeeds. I am speaking out to expose what you have done. My wife has been the victim of your cheap shots. There is no longer any insurance coverage to protect the taxpayers in Debbie’s case thanks to your incompetence and your venomous motivations!”

The man looked directly into the camera–into my eyes. I nearly jumped out of my La-Z-Boy. “Anyone who watches this on YouTube, if you have any questions, you’re very welcome to call me. I’d be thrilled to explain it you.”

Believe me: I have many, many questions. But I totally, 100 percent will not be calling him. He is scary.

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Please stop looking at me.

But if you thought the madness ended there–oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. It was time for another council member to get toasted in the hot seat.

“I actually had a question for Mr. Battaglia,” a woman in a scarf looked dead-on at kindly old Council Member Leonardo Battaglia. “Can you explain what you meant during the last meeting when you said that there would be ice cream and 19-year-old girls at the SportZone?”

Battaglia, caught off guard, spoke in halting, accented English. “That was a joke I told to the guy, Chris, because I saw him many times at Dunkin’ Donuts having ice cream with 19-year-old girls, and they were not his daughter.”

“What’s funny about that?” demanded the woman.

“Because I saw him many time in working hours. And that was not right what he was doing.”

I literally cannot believe what I’m hearing. I don’t know who’s more ridiculous: him for making the terrible joke or her for deconstructing the terrible joke. But she wasn’t done raking him over the coals:

“You’re how old, sir?” she asked. He did not reply.

“It’s actually pretty disgusting for a council member to make such a comment and expect it to be funny when it denigrates women. You should apologize.”

She stomped away from the podium to scattered applause. But oh, goodness. Look who stomped back up: Lenny, the heckler from earlier. He was wearing a sweatshirt and headphones. And he spoke at the volume of a sonic boom:

“I’M NOT GONNA BS AROUND. THERE’S A LOTTA PEOPLE MAKING A LOTTA GOD DANG MONEY IN THIS TOWN THAT DON’T DESERVE IT. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING. NOT EVEN CLOSE.”

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Those headphones play the nonstop sound of German artillery.

With that, Lenny wandered away from the podium–still with the headphones and still screaming at the top of his lungs.

“DON’T MAKE UP STORIES UP ABOUT ME.”

The mayor sounded so, so tired. “We won’t talk about you at all.”

“GOOD,” Lenny hollered as Hackensack’s finest escorted him out.

The mayor turned to the middle-aged woman next in line. “Sorry, Mrs. Davis.”

“That’s all right. I am a registered nurse. I understand,” she said patiently as Lenny screamed from the back. “I just want to say that this is one of the first meetings I’ve been to that sounded like a city council meeting should be.”

Lady, I hate to tell you, but you’re not even close.