Tag: earthquake

#122: Poulsbo, WA 8/2/17

There was no shortage of eyebrow-raising announcements in Poulsbo.

Mayor Becky Erickson set the bar ever-so-slightly off the ground with her unorthodox but low-key warning that “after we leave here, we’re gonna go to the third floor. A conference room setting is a little more conducive to an active conversation.”

Fair enough. A change of venue is good for the circulatory system. But the good vibes instantly dissipated as Council Member Gary Nystul flagrantly stoked an intra-governmental rivalry.

“It’s my privilege once a year to point out to my two Navy associates–Warrant Officer [Council Member Jim] Henry and Commander [Council Member Kenneth] Thomas–that August 4 is the Coast Guard birthday.”

He smirked and prepared to rub in his superiority. “Occasionally the Navy doesn’t follow our directions. One day in Hawaii they didn’t follow our directions right out of the shipyard. They put it into a reef!”

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Who among us hasn’t crashed a battleship into a reef?

The mayor quickly interjected. “You’re walking on dangerous ground, Mr. Nystul! Very dangerous ground.”

“Choppy waters” would have been the more appropriate image, but point taken.

Speaking of danger, quick: cue the Musgrove!

“When an earthquake or something happens is NOT the time to figure out: where do I get food for Fluffy?” Council Member David Musgrove insisted. He gestured to an emergency-preparedness handout decorated with a pensive-looking cat.

“It’s like taking care of an elderly parent. You need to do the same stuff.” (Note to self: stock up on cat food for grandma.)

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Cat sold separately

But if residents didn’t have time to prepare themselves for a disaster, Council Member Musgrove offered a logical alternative. “Tomorrow, 10:30 a.m., there’s a walk-through of the Poulsbo cemetery.”

Council Member Connie Lord struck a compromise between death and doomsday prep. “The mayor has opened up city hall as a cooling station,” she announced helpfully.

Mayor Erickson nodded. “The council chamber’s open. There’s bottled water in the fridge.” After thinking a second, she added, “bring a book. There’s nothing particularly exciting going on in here.”

However, the mayor was having a hard time keeping her story straight. Because not two minutes later, she revealed this HIGHLY exciting event:

“This coming Tuesday, I’m having ‘kitty hall’ here,” she bragged. “The Kitsap Humane Society and I are going to have a whole bunch of kitties/kittens/cats for adoption. So if you’re interested in a new feline furry friend, we’ll be out there.”

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When you pick up your cat, get enough food to last through the earthquake.

The final news item came from Council Member Ed Henry and it was a whopper.

“In our codes, self-storage and mini-storage is allowed in the commercial zone,” he informed the council solemnly. “Is the council interested in putting self-storage in those other zones?”

He glanced around. “It is a timely matter.”

“We appear to be having a LOT of interest about putting self-storage along [highway] 305,” the mayor acknowledged.

“We have very limited space if we want to keep Poulsbo Pouslbo,” Henry fretted. “Tight and constricted.”

Mayor Erickson agreed to look into it. But immediately, she worriedly turned to the clerk as she remembered that everyone needed to trek to the upstairs conference room.

“Rhiannon, how are we going to do this? We haven’t done this before.”

The clerk promptly replied, “I see us going upstairs and continue our audio recording up there.”

With that, the cameras went dark and the citizens who came for the cooling station pulled out their books.

#23: Portland, OR 5/25/16

Say the word “Portland” and people think of baristas, bikers, and brunch-guzzling hipsters. But now, I hope you’ll also remember the Rose City for its generous, almost masochistic public comment period.

Rest assured: there was nooooo shortage of comments.

“Vic Remmers is holding my life hostage. The ransom is $700,000,” a woman exhaled, dramatically over-pronouncing everything like a “Shakespeare in the Park” performer. “My dream house…it is going to be demolished. And Vic Remmers said he would replace it with 12 condos. I’m terrified–terrified!”

There was applause from the gallery when she breathlessly finished. “If you have a minute, you can stop in my office and talk to Camille,” Mayor Charlie Hales informed her, casually tossing Camille under the bus.

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Vic Remmers may be bad, but this video quality is GOOD!

The council turned to a routine bill about automobile accident investigations and, fortunately for us, was obligated to open up the floor.

“We would like to know if these investigations would include a chief of police shooting his friend, and the mayor covering it up for a month,” the yellow-shirted man tethered to an oxygen tank wheezed.

“We’ll have that conversation some other time,” Mayor Hales warned.

“I’m SURE you don’t want to talk about this, mayor!” gasped the man. “You covered up the shooting over a month where the chief of police lied!”

Hizzoner seethed. “You can testify, but I’m not going to be cross-examined.”

“You should be arrested! You should resign, sir!” roared the man, before wheeling his oxygen tank away.

(I normally don’t do background research on what I hear at council meetings. But it turns out, this routine crazy person actually DID have a point.)

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WELP, THAT WAS UNCOMFORTABLE.

The next commenter read at length from his beefy packet of papers. “If I can just take a minute to go off topic a bit, we’re in a leadership vacuum. What’s lacking is leadership, due to everyone’s voice being heard,” he complained through a mouth-hole that allowed HIS voice to be heard.

“We just spent 10 minutes on a rant that has nothing to do with this issue,” Commissioner Nick Fish snapped afterward. “I think it’s disrespectful to the people that are actually ahead in the queue.” Subtext: CAN WE GET THROUGH THIS ALREADY?

The final controversial issue was that the Washington Park Reservoir needs to be rebuilt for various reasons–not the least of which is that it isn’t earthquake proof. You would think people would sympathize, buuuuuuttttt…

“This is an offensive bullying tactic by our lame-duck mayor and our unethical, offensive commissioners on behalf of their crony contractors,” a woman barked at the council. They stared bleary-eyed back at her. If there is a purgatory, this comes pretty close to it.

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We could protect the reservoir from earthquakes and landslides…or listen to the angry lady.

Trying to close on a happy note, Commissioner Amanda Fritz announced: “I want to call to your attention that John Zoller is retiring–”

“What?!” Zoller blurted off camera.

“Am I correct on that?” the bewildered commissioner asked. Then, apologizing for the misinformation, “I’m getting very tired. We’ve been here for three and a half hours!”

Gee, I wonder why.

Final thoughts: Trust me, I left out a lot. Including the guy who goes only by “Lightning” and the man in a pink ballcap who commented so many times that I lost count. I give this meeting 4 out of 5 muscle relaxers.