Category: Southwest

#47: Victoria, TX 8/30/16

Nothing gets me in a good mood to watch a city council meeting faster than seeing seeing disclaimers like this:

vic1.jpg

Boo yah! In and out in less time than a network sitcom! Mayor Paul Polasek, what’s the first item on your agenda?

“First item on our agenda is items from council,” the mayor announced from somewhere beneath his Tom Selleck mustaches. “Do you have anything you wanna discuss?”

“Mr. Mayor, if we can put on the agenda for next meeting to talk about recycling?” Councilmember Andrew Young suggested.

City Manager Charmelle Garrett smiled at the quizzical councilmember and spoke patiently. “You can even talk about it tonight. It doesn’t have to be specifically on the agenda.”

“I kind of thought that, but…” Young trailed off into a grimace, waiting for someone to pry the rest of the thought out of him.

vic2.jpg
You can hide a lot of thoughts in Councilmember Young’s hybrid bathrobe/blazer.

“Unless,” the city manager tried to read his mind, “you want it for the public purpose?”

This was like pulling teeth. “Eh, give them an opportunity to come up here and speak…if they’d like,” the councilmember shrugged. Is this guy for real? To be clear: absolutely no one is stopping the good people of Victoria from talking about recycling at ANY council meeting.

Case in point–first public commenter of the evening, the school superintendent:

“I’m here this evening to speak regarding the benefits of the recycle program,” the shiny-domed super read from his book report. “Continuing with the current recycling program would cost Victoria households $2.92 per month.”

$2.92? Wow, that’s a huge bargain! Although this IS Texas, so everything seems huge. Even the bromances.

“We appreciate the work you do. We’re all very proud of y’all achievements,” the mayor beamed at the superintendent.

“We appreciate you very much, too,” the super boyishly grinned. I waited for one of them to say, “I wish I knew how to quit you!” but alas, no takers.

As if on a mission to prove Councilmember Young’s separate-meeting theory wrong, the next commenter was a tall glass of water who wanted to talk about–

“First off, I’d like to echo Dr. Jackson’s comments on the recycling program. I think it’s a small amount for us to continue. Me? The $3 extra a month is no problem.”

vic3
“Hell, I’d give ya $4.”

Closing in on minute 14, the public works director had a brief presentation. “I’ve got some slides with some marked up changes  So this here is the planned project sheet:

vic4
Oh, wow…that’s…hard to read.

“The projects that we have recommended removing, we’ve stricken the Nursery Drive project–”

Mayor Polasek jumped in. “When you say ‘stricken,’ we’re not cancelling these. We’re not NEVER gonna go back and do Nursery Drive. There’s some people out there that would kill us if we didn’t!”

Being Texas, I believe it! Annnnnnddd minute 19–fin!

Final thoughts: I give 10 out of 10 stars to that chemistry between the mayor and the superintendent. Encore!

It’s International City Hall Selfie Day!

It’s here! It’s finally here! International #CityHallSelfie Day, which celebrates that time Moses led the Israelites to city hall and took selfies with Pharaoh–or something.

In the spirit of the holiday, City Council Chronicles will feature any selfie that is taken a.) WITH a city council member (mayors count, too) or b.) INSIDE OF a city council room. While I support neither kidnapping nor trespassing, I would point out that we are burning daylight, people.

LET’S SEE THOSE PICS!

From San Diego, California city councilman Chris Cate:

From Los Angeles city councilman David E. Ryu:

From the city of Colorado Springs, Colorado:

From the mayor on top of the fire truck’s ladder to the fact that someone even higher than him is taking his picture–to the fact that he didn’t even post HIS selfie, this is all just fantastic:

From Campbell, California, his heart is in the right place:

From Mayor Greg Stanton of Phoenix, Arizona, which we have chronicled:

Elsewhere, not in an underground war room, was Phoenix Vice Mayor Kate Gallego:

From the Mayor of Pensacola, Florida:

That sure as heck looks like a council chamber to me. From Santa Barbara, California:

From Columbia, Missouri with council member Ian Thomas:

A couple from Mayor Matt Surrency of Hawthorne, Florida:

More selfies with the cutout mayors of Las Vegas:

From Mayor Jim Lane in Scottsdale, Arizona:

From Mayor Dan Devine of West Allis, Wisconsin:

Normal, Illinois is technically a town, but that’s a disturbingly large council chamber for a mere town, so I’ll allow it:

From Kansas City, Missouri Mayor Sly James (this is my new desktop background):

From Provo, Utah Mayor John Curtis:

From city council member Dan Gookin in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho:

From the city of Folsom, California:

It’s not a city, but damned if Collierville, Tennessee wasn’t on the mother-fudging ball today:

From Palmetto Bay, Florida Mayor Engene Flinn:

From Roseville, Minnesota Mayor Dan Roe:

From Mayor BJ Murphy and city council in Kinston, North Carolina:

From the entire Kiksville, Missouri city council:

From West Linn, Oregon city council president Thomas  Frank:

From Jefferson City, Missouri councilman Ken Hussey:

From Mayor Andrew H. Scott of Coal Run Village, Kentucky. Perfect execution, your honor:

I’m hoping these people are the Johnston, Iowa city council and not a furniture delivery company:

From Lewisville, Texas council member TJ Gilmore, who took quite a selfie road trip today:

From the city of Grover Beach, California:

From the mayor’s chair in Atlanta, Texas (plot twist: this isn’t the mayor):

From the city of Tulsa, Oklahoma’s council member Anna America:

From the city of Auburndale, Florida, where weirdly only one city commissioner is taking a selfie, and this is not it:

From the city of Largo, Florida’s vice mayor Jamie Robinson:

From Gaithersburg, Maryland, the “Stepford Wives” of city councils:

From Shoreview, Minnesota councilman Cory Springhorn:

Terrific participation from Bemidji, Minnesota councilman Michael Meehlhause:

From Alder (the heck is that?) Maurice Cheeks in Madison, Wisconsin:

From Atlanta, Georgia’s city council president Ceasar Mitchell:

More from the cardboard mayors in Las Vegas:

Well, this one is from a dog. So, yeah:

This one traveled a long way: from Prince George, British Columbia, courtesy of Councilor Garth Frizzell:

This is the loop-holiest one yet, but in a brilliant way. The Shoreview, Minnesota city council meeting is ON THE MONITOR in the middle right:

Another one from Gahanna, Ohio: what looks to be city council members in the city council chamber. Score! Although is this really a selfie? I’m skeptical:

From Mayor Hillary Schieve of Reno, Nevada:

From the council chambers of Glendale, California:

With all the hubbub, I almost forgot my own selfie! From Denver, Colorado and YES–with city council members, IN the city council room:

Technically a town, not a city. But I’ll allow it. From Gilbert, Arizona with, I’m not mistaken, newly-minted Mayor Jenn Daniels:

Peekaboo from the mayor of Tigard, Oregon:

Now we’re cooking with gas! A group city council member selfie from Durham, North Carolina:

From the mayor of St. Petersburg, Florida:

From the city of Rogers, Arkansas:

From my friend in Baltimore–which, by the way, has one of my top city council chambers:

Let’s put the “inter” in International City Hall Selfie Day! This one’s from Toronto city councilor–and past City Council Chronicles interviewee–Shelley Carroll:

And another one with more councilors:

This selfie is from city hall reporter and past interviewee Dave Gong:

From Henry Parrish, III mayor of Cocoa:

Aw, yeah! Gahanna, Ohio is in the house:

Okay, Kansas, technically NOT A SELFIE and also NOT INSIDE OF the council room. But I’m not going to hold it against Jeff:

Now if you want to do a loophole correctly, follow the lead of Las Vegas:

From Mayor Justin Nickels of Manitowoc, WI:

From the city of Auburndale, FL:

 

Mark Your Calendar: National #CityHallSelfie Day

Attention Chronicleheads! Next Monday, August 15, is the holiest of high holy holidays: National #CityHallSelfie Day! The concept is simple: 1.) take a selfie at your city hall 2.) win prize.

From the event page:

The first annual National #CityHallSelfie Day is taking place on Monday, August 15. Our goal is to break the record for city hall selfies taken in one day. What’s the record? We’re not quite sure but we’ve pegged it at around nine.

You can participate in this new holiday by posting your #cityhallselfie on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, or Twitter. If you not a fan of social media, send your #cityhallselfie via email.

Prizes will be awarded all day. Everyone who participates will receive an ELGL coozie. You’ll also have a chance to win a selfie stick, Treat Yo Self mug, Pawnee ringer t-shirt, Indiana names t-shirt, and RIP Harambe t-shirt.

As a bonus, City Council Chronicles is upping the ante. If you take a selfie WITH a city council member OR INSIDE OF a city council room, your picture will be posted here! So get out there and ambush somebody!

13876258_1043399039078991_4603270708220473644_n

The Chronicles gets an award nomination!

I’m super stoked to report that our friends at Engaging Local Government Leaders (elgl.org) nominated City Council Chronicles for the “Top 100 Local Government Influencers” list–a.k.a. the “Chris Traeger” award.

elgl

We’re changing the world, baby! Personally, I  was angling for the Presidential Medal of Freedom, but this is an acceptable substitute. Now that we’re an official Local Government Influencer, call up your city council member and tell them they have no excuse not to get chronicled!

New Game Alert: City Cóuncil Go!

I am stoked to report that City Council Chronicles has partnered with the makers of Pokémon Go to create a fun new game: City Cóuncil Go!

Here’s how to play:

1. Search for city council members.

Walk around the perimeter of your city hall until you spot a city council member. Usually they are dressed nicely, carrying a latte in one hand and a folder of important documents in the other. When in doubt, consult a City Cóuncildex.

307210-145444.source.prod_affiliate.6

2. Capture the city council member.

16086573-bear-trap-isolated-on-white-background

(Sold separately)

3. Make them fight each other.

chris-nevitt-270x180

They may not want to do it at first, but with a little training and the right amount of food deprivation, those city council members will be dueling in no time.

4. Have them get interviewed by City Council Chronicles.

#33: Aspen, CO 6/27/16

If you get your jollies from talk of storm water fees or filling potholes, take your filthy mind far away from Aspen. In this luxurious ski hamlet, the city council had only the highest, most sophisticated affairs of state to discuss.

“We have a relatively light schedule tonight–and a relatively light council,” Mayor Steve Skadron waved his hands toward the two lone council members seated to his side.

“[Council members] Adam [Frisch] and Art [Daily] are traveling,” chuckled the mayor, who was sporting the most fashionable head of hair this side of Fabio. Like a true Aspenite, “Adam is golfing in Scotland!”

But this city isn’t all golf junketing and Eurotripping. They also had a very unpopular parking rate increase. Tell ’em how unpopular it was, mayor:

“One of the things we’ve done is used revenue from the parking increase to pay for–” GOLDEN TOILETS IN THE COUNCIL CHAMBERS?!?! –“the Downtowner, which are the electric cars that are driving around.”

Christ, what kind of utopia is this? You, there–shorts-clad citizen waiting to address the council! Surely you must have a complaint about how this city is going to hell in a ski lift!

“I’ve used the Downtowner. It’s a great service,” bragged the bespectacled man. “My dogs really appreciate it.”

Mayor Skadron pumped his fist. “Thank you for being such a cool local!”

aspen1
With hair like that, Mayor Steve Skadron is THE arbiter of cool.

Finally, midway through the meeting, there was some drama in paradise. A group of developers was seeking to add on to the Little Nell Hotel–and all three council members had to give the thumbs up. No abstentions. No nays.

All. Three.

“What we’ve tried to do is move away from a straight up solarium and create something that is more in line with the original architecture,” a cheerful young presenter explained.

The mayor swiveled to his right. “Ann, what do you think?”

“Well,” chuckled Council Member (and the local landscape architect) Ann Mullins, “it’s always difficult to add onto a building and have it blend in. This is an improvement over what you showed us originally–”

Would she? Wouldn’t she?!

“–but I don’t think it’s there yet….The amount of fenestration and especially the skylights, the glass ceiling, makes the addition somewhat cheap.”

There was a silence, presumably so people could look up the definition of “fenestration.”

aspen2
Barf! You call that a solarium?! My dog has pooped better solaria than that!

“Since there are three of us and it has to be unanimous, you get to have what you asked for,” Council Member Bert Myrin smiled nervously. “It’s okay. I’m comfortable with that.” He sounded anything but comfortable.

Turning to the lone objector, he sighed. “It’s entirely up to you.”

The tension was as thick as a Rocky Mountain blizzard. The developers huddled, frantically searching for a way to appease the Ski Queen.

Finally, they offered that the ordinance could make their building “replicate existing ground floor or second floor window pattern.”

All eyes turned to Mullins.

aspen3
Council Member Ann Mullins: the most powerful woman in the Rockies

“Okay,” she caved.

The vote was taken. Everyone was a yes. The developers were all smiles as the meeting graveled to a close.

Final thoughts: For driving a hard bargain, I give Council Member Ann Mullins 10 out of 10 Scottish golfing passes.

#28: Phoenix, AZ 6/15/16

Triumphant news from Phoenix city hall! Like the mythical bird rising from the ashes, a shimmering new council member rose to fill the vacant District 3 seat.

“Welcome to Councilwoman Stark,” Mayor Greg Stanton congratulated the beknighted Sun Valley servant. “You have some tough votes today. Welcome to the dais.”

She was further welcomed by a few fair Phoenicians gently begging the council’s favor.

“I wanted to show you the lights here are LEDs,” said a professorial-looking man who shined a laser pointer at the ceiling as attendees craned their necks. “But in the center here are the yellow white lights that I have in my house,” he circled the laser like a TED Talk presenter.

“We’re just asking the city to take a careful look at the options. Soft white is a good choice,” he smiled, pocketing the pointer.

pnx1
Phoenix: come for the council meeting, stay for the light show.

“It’s my birthday today and I wanna share something,” a woman in a pink blazer gushed excitedly. “Monday, we did meet downtown–and what do we do every Monday? We! Get! Out!” she pumped her arms while chanting the catchphrase.

“We meet at The Corner restaurant. There are a lot of discounts! There are free raffle tickets! We walk or run and there’s music!” She slyly grinned at the council. “Happy birthday to everybody!”

“Thank you very much,” the mayor picked up on the cue. “I hope I’m not in violation of open meeting law by wishing Ms. Barker a happy birthday.”

“You’re good, mayor!” the city attorney hollered.

Next on the agenda were several liquor license applications. The mayor held a voice vote, with everyone voting aye. Suddenly, a screech came over the speaker.

Mayor Stanton’s eyes darted, until he realized what was happening.

“Councilwoman Pastor, are you on the phone?”

“Yes,” the councilwoman’s voice crackled, sounding like she was in a school bus full of kindergartners caught in a tornado.

“Did you vote aye on that item?” he asked into the abyss.

“Yes!” the voice screeched.

pnx2
The mayor’s “I-hear-voices” face

Because it was her first day, it was time for the hazing of newbie Councilwoman Debra Stark. Council members had to set a special election to see if the good Phoenicians wanted her to stick around.

“Councilwoman Stark, are you going to declare a conflict of interest on this?” Hizzoner inquired.

“I think I should,” she chuckled nervously.

There was only one comment, from a devoted Starkhead. “I personally prefer the person siting there,” he gestured toward the councilwoman, before chiding the staffer with a hot trigger finger. “I’m not sure when you start your clock, but please let me get to the podium, so when I start speaking–you probably are doing that, but I thought I heard the beeper go off before I even got out of my chair.”

pnx3
This man wants his FULL two minutes, Timekeeper!

The final ordinance? New retail at the airport, with one fancy addition:

“If this passes, Councilman Valenzuela will get his spa at the airport,” Mayor Stanton ribbed his exfoliated colleague. (It passed, much to the delight of the councilman’s pores.)

“That was one of our quicker meetings,” the mayor bragged, glancing way down the dais. “Councilwoman Stark, you brought us good luck!”

Final thoughts: New light bulbs, new spa, and new councilwoman. Wow! Talk about a mythical rebirth! I give this meeting 8 out of 10 soft white bulbs.

#26: San Francisco, CA 6/7/16

San Francisco is a beautiful city of beautiful people–with an oddly sterile name for its city council: the “Board of Supervisors.”

What’s even more unwieldy is that the supervisors don’t even sit together! Five of them are at one desk and five of them are at the other, facing off middle school dance-style. The board’s president is perched high above the riff-raff, making for one difficult game of duck-duck-goose in the chambers.

The supes wasted no time in living up to the militantly-liberal stereotype of the City by the Bay.

“Today, I am submitting a carbon tax on nonrenewable energy that will support the maintenance and expansion of San Francisco’s urban forest,” Supervisor John Avalos announced–a blue recycling bin fittingly stationed behind him.

“I am introducing a ballot measure to expand democracy for immigrant parents by allowing non-citizens the right to vote in school board elections,” boasted Eric Mar. He had been adorned earlier with a puffy lei, which seemed on the verge of tipping over the slender supervisor.

sf1
The City by the Lei

It was time for San Fran’s famously freewheeling public comment period. Anyone could take two minutes to speak “on items within the subject matter jurisdiction of the Board,” the clerk warned.

That quickly went out the window as the first man stepped up, speaking slowly in Arabic. I only understood two words: “Mohammad Ali.” (I’m guessing the supes won’t be able to do much about that one.)

My heart grew two sizes upon seeing the next speaker, who wore a t-shirt reading “IN DUE TIME, CHRIST DIED FOR THE UNHOLY.” Something tells me the Board of Supervisors won’t have jurisdiction over what he has to say, either.

“I got on the Alex Jones Show and was able to make the announcement that the times of the gentiles has ended. As a matter of fact, May 20 was exactly 7,365 days from the end of the times of the gentiles. Jesus Christ is coming soon.”

sf2
If Jesus is coming soon, I wonder if He’ll sign up for public comment.

A woman in a suit stepped up. “I want to speak to item number 49. We urge you instead to support the governor’s proposal. This is a statewide bill and it has statewide benefits.”  Oops! Someone with a legitimate comment was allowed to slip through. How embarrassing!

Thankfully, she was the only one.

“Thank you [Board] President Breed and all the members of the cabal,” sneered a guy with a Dostoyevsky-length novel written in tiny words on his t-shirt.

In sharp contrast was a Samuel Jackson lookalike in sunglasses who swaggered to the podium, recording himself with his phone. “Good evening, supervisors…particularly my sisters in the back there,” he hollered out to Supervisors Malia Cohen and London Breed.

“My name is Ace. And I’m on a case. I’m putting the city on notice, specifically our African American, black sisters,” he gestured toward the likely-uncomfortable female supes. “I been in politics back when y’all was little girls. But now you’re women! I’m proud of you!”

sf3
Can I follow you on Vine, dude?

The buzzer sounded, but he continued talking as he backed out of the room, videotaping himself the whole way.

“Next speaker, please,” the clerk sighed over the noise.

Final thoughts: With a city council meeting that was as eclectic as its residents, I give San Francisco 1 giant puffy lei.

#25: Los Angeles, CA 6/3/16

Like most things in Tinseltown, the Los Angeles city council meeting became all about s-e-x.

“Half of black men and a quarter of Latino men who have sex with men are projected to be diagnosed with HIV,” testified Councilwoman Nury Martinez, looking anything but somber in a fiery yellow dress.

“Way back when, in the early 1990s,” she reminisced, “my job was to hand out condoms. Not only to my peers at San Fernando High School, but around small little bars and cantinas.” The sex-positive councilwoman batted her eyes. “I would talk to grown adults and pass out condoms.”

Councilman Paul Krekorian perked up at this risque mention of prophylaxis. “I had no idea about this first job of yours,” he bashfully admitted.

“I’m not gonna tell you who was Condom Man in 1990,” she responded coyly. “I happen to have married him.” Whoa, talk about a power couple!

As the council moved on, Martinez strode back to her seat and, off-mic, breathlessly told Krekorian, “He was Condom Man! We were just so popular in school!”

la1
Councilwoman Nury Martinez, a.k.a. Mrs. Condom Man

Council President Herb Wesson called for public comment on an affordable housing ordinance. “I want to take up item 3…Mr. Walsh? Mr. Walsh, please come forward.”

A bedraggled man shuffled forward–flannel shirt unbuttoned, yet still wearing a tie. “Tweeting @hollywooddems,” Walsh mumbled by way of introduction. “Under [Mayor Eric] Garcetti, it’s like the mob. Everything  is done like the mob.”

He signed off merely by giving his URL: “hollywoodhighlands.org.”

The next commenter was as cocky as he was efficient with his allotted two minutes. “One minute only, please! One minute,” he yelled out, like some Babe Ruthian showman, calling his home run.

“You never define what ‘affordable is! Are you deciding what’s affordable by district, or what’s affordable for the whole city?!” He clocked in at exactly 58 seconds.

The next several items also required public comment. And the only people signed up to gripe were–I’m sure you can guess–

  • Mr. Walsh (“Blogging at hollywoodhighlands.org or jwalshconfidential.”)
  • Mr. Speedy Gonzalez (“One minute only!”)
  • A lady who held the microphone directly on her lips and thundered “We must vote for Donald J. Trump!”
la2
John Walsh: blogger, tweeter, person who barely sits down at city council meetings

After their third or fourth appearance, they stopped being polite and started getting real.

One-Minute Guy: “I’m going to be the lead plaintiff in a suit against the city of Los Angeles because–” his voice became sing-songy–“you’re hiding documennnnts councilmemberrrrrrs!”

John Walsh.blogspot/tweets.gov: “There are thousands of blacks and Hispanics who have been murdered and you don’t give a f*cking sh*t about their asses. HOLLYWOODHIGHLANDS.ORG.”

la3
Mr. One-Minute-Only, as he’s known in city hall and the bedroom

At blessed last, an angelic face stepped up. “To my friend, the Honorable Herb Wesson, Jr., who undoubtedly will be our next mayor–”

Council President Wesson blushed. “Oh, come on, Chuck!”

“To all the agitators who mock, belittle, degrade, or are prejudiced to him, shame on you!” roared Chuck. “Let Herb do his job! Leave him alone and stop picking on him!”

You’re a good man, Chuck. Too bad you’re not the one with the blog.

Final thoughts: Be honest, you’ve already forgotten that Councilwoman Nury Martinez was married to the Condom Man, haven’t you? I give this meeting One Minute! One Minute Only, Please!