#16: Bloomington, IL 5/9/16

Every seat was filled at the Bloomington city council meeting–with Boy Scouts no less! Either those fellas were getting their Sitting-Through-An-Ordeal merit badge OR something special was happening.

Turns out, it was a little bit of both.

Mayor Tari Renner started off with a long string of proclamations:

  • National Nursing Home Week (theme: “It’s a Small World with a Big Heart”)
  • Emergency Medical Services Week (theme: “EMS Strong”)
  • Economic Development Week (theme: “Uhh…pass”)

And finally, said the mayor, “something that’s near and dear to the heart of our citizens who have driven on our streets, who have flushed our toilets–” uh, National Street Toilet Week?–“and that is Public Works Week.”

Then his eyes lit up. “Oh, man! Our star of all stars! Delvar Dopson! Good to see you, man!” Mayor Renner’s smile was so big, it was like he was staring at his long lost brother.

Instead, he was staring at the public works director and sanitation worker Delvar Dopson. “Delvar was able to reach out to this young girl in the route that he goes,” the director explained. “And she made this great comment about him, ‘the awesome smiley garbage guy,’ and she wanted for her birthday to just meet him. And so it was just one of those cute, sweet stories. The sucker went viral!”

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Local hero Delvar Dopson

Dopson got wild applause and the proclamation from the mayor. “I remember you before I was mayor for being at the gym together,” he swooned. “I was just using regular weights and you were bench pressing the trucks from the public works department.” The two muscular men parted ways and the meeting continued.

There was a proposal on the table to give city manager David Hales a new contract with a raise. But Alderman Kevin Lower rained down a Hales-storm.

“It certainly does not reflect our current economic conditions in the municipality,” he warned. “I feel my thumb on the pulse of many of my constituents who just don’t feel like they can afford” to pay for a raise.

Alderman David Sage was offended on behalf of the city manager. “I’m always amazed we simply do not extend the courtesy of publicly saying ‘thank you’ for the job that you do.” He gazed longingly into Hales’s peepers. “I’m extremely proud to have you as the city manager of Bloomington.”

The vote was 8-1 for the raise–Alderman Lower being the one.

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Alderman David Sage: “I wish I could quit you, city manager.”

Mayor Renner was ready to wrap when Alderman Jim Fruin remembered something important. “I assume you’re going to say something about–” he gestured–“the Boy Scouts?”

“Oh!” the mayor suddenly recalled. “Okay…Alderman Lower?”

The alderman finally drew attention, at the end of an hour-long meeting, to the antsy and exhausted young audience. “The city council will probably agree with me…sometimes they don’t,” he acidly glanced at his colleagues. “The lessons that you are learning right now in Boy Scouts…I have put many of those lessons to work in my adult life and it’s something you can’t find anywhere else.”

The council, for once, agreed with him.

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Clearly the meeting was an endurance test for more than just the Boy Scouts

Final thoughts: At the end of the day, the city manager got his raise, Delvar Dopson got his proclamation, and Alderman Lower got to drop some wisdom on the youth. Win-win-win! I give this meeting 10 out of 10 stars.

#15: Danville, VA 5/5/16

Danville may not be the biggest city. Or the best city. Or even the best city named Danville (it’s Danville, California, obvi). But it has one thing that other cities do not:

The most annoyingly-cheerful sons-of-b’s on city council.

Mayor Sherman Saunders rose with a proclamation for the 50th anniversary of the city’s Goodyear plant. “Whereas the Goodyear tire and rubber company broke ground in DANVILLE,” he said, practically shouting the city name. “And whereas Goodyear DANVILLE is DANVILLE’s largest employer–” at this point, the two representatives from Goodyear were suppressing laughter as the Honorable Mayor bellowed “Danville” every other sentence.

“I, Sherman M. Saunders, mayor, city of DANVILLE do hereby commend Goodyear DANVILLE on its 50th anniversary in DANVILLE, Virginia.” He glanced at the room with a kingly defiance.

“Yeah, I’m proud to say ‘DANVILLE.’ That’s right!”

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Don’t tell Mayor Sherman Saunders that someone didn’t put “DANVILLE” in all caps

“Thank you, and we look forward to another 50 years of good service in Danville,” the company’s representatives responded, opting not to scream the city name. It didn’t matter–there was already a huge lovefest for Goodyear in the crowd.

“I worked at Goodyear and I built on the U2s,” the mayor reminisced.

“I also worked at Goodyear,” boasted Councilman James Buckner.

“Goodyear is Danville and Danville is Goodyear,” Councilman  J. Lee Vogler, the resident poet, freestyled.

Next, the sheriff came forward to talk about the first annual Youth Day on Saturday–complete with music, a basketball free throw competition, and hundred-yard dash.

“Do you have something for [people] over 65?” Councilman John Gilstrap cheekily inquired.

“Serving hot dogs,” the sheriff retorted.

Gilstrap chuckled. “I can do that!”

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The council, looking jazzed about Youth Day

Youth Day wasn’t the only big ticket item in town–and not even the only one featuring wieners: “The community market opens this Saturday,” Councilman Buckner reported. “Make sure you stop by at the time I’m working because I’m gonna make hands down the best hot dogs.”

Vice-Mayor Gary Miller called bullsh*t: “Mr. Buckner may think he makes the best hot dogs, but I’m gonna produce the healthiest ones. I’m gonna have turkey dogs,” he bragged, to groans from the council. “That are healthy for you.”

“There goes my appetite,” the mayor gagged. It sounds like the vice-mayor will have plenty of leftovers. Thanksgiving dinner at the Miller house? Turkey hot dogs.

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Would you eat a turkey hot dog from this man?

Before the meeting adjourned, Mayor Saunders flipped on his mic, leaned back, and speechified like a Sunday preacher. “I want to thank the voters who reelected me just a few days ago. I maintain–you’re gonna hear it four more years–DANVILLE is a great city.

“Yes, we do have issues to work on and we are working on them. But the minute number of people who are causing these negative issues….they will be caught and they WILL be stopped.”

The mayor was all worked up and now spitting pure verse.

“There is no despair here in DANVILLE. Thank you for electing us.

“Thank you for supporting us.

“Thank you for believing in us.

“And thank you for being a part of the great city…of DANVILLE, VIRGINIA.”

Final thoughts: I loved this meeting as much as Mayor Saunders loves screaming theword “DANVILLE.” I give it 8/10 turkey hot dogs.

—

UPDATE: 11:33 a.m. THIS GUY!

#14: Northport, AL 5/2/16

As the classic song goes, “Sweet home Alabama / Where the skies are so blue and the city council meetings get ’em riled up like General Lee’s army.”

The warning shot was fired by a grizzled Northport veteran who wasted no time during public comment in waving the rebel flag. “We now have regular traffic jams at all hours of the day and early evening,” he charged.

“The speed of cars along Fifth Street going 45, 50, 60 miles an hour has unfortunately become commonplace–and the noise pollution of cars and trucks.” He gave one final push on his verbal bayonet. “I wouldn’t invite my two-year-old granddaughter to come and visit me in Northport until this situation changes.”

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Remember: the Civil War was started because of traffic concerns

How would Mr. Lincoln’s army respond? Council President Jay Logan chose retreat. “I know your wife came up two weeks ago and expressed an interest in traffic control…I can’t really give you a solution right now just simply because it’s still considered a state highway.”

Councilman Bert Sims made a run to join enemy lines. “When I’m eating at Billy’s [Sports Grill], I’m very nervous for pedestrians. When that light’s green…they have at it like they’re at Talladega.”

One councilman down. A traitor to his cause.

The next skirmish was a big’un: Jody Jobson, himself a former city councilman, strode up to the front line. Brother against brother. Heartbreaking. War is hell.

“Are you familiar with any slush funds in this past administrator’s office?” Jobson assailed.

Mayor Herndon sat up. “Slush funds?”

“Slush funds,” Lieutenant Jobson responded. “That nobody on the council had access to except [the recently resigned city manager]?”

“No, sir, I do not,” the mayor returned fire. “And it’d be better if you–if you’re gonna be talking about an individual that’s not an employee of the city of Northport–”

“Well you get on the radio and talk about it…you get on the TV and talk about it,” Jobson flanked Hizzoner.

Mayor Herndon refused to give ground. “With good cause, good reason.”

Corporal Jobson laid into the mayor about how the former city administrator moved money from one fund to another without a council vote. Then, mid-sentence, a loud, piercing siren sounded. Did General Grant surrender? Had Johhny Reb captured Fort Northport?

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Artist’s rendering of the bloody Battle of Mount Slush Fund

No, Jody’s time was up.

But he wasn’t going quietly. “I was fixin’ to call for a state audit because you just don’t– you don’t move funds from one to another without a vote. And he doesn’t have any authority to do that unless council does it.”

Score one for the Union. A slow clap from the graycoats greeted Jobson as he sat down.

As they prepared to celebrate the ceasefire, council President Logan had one final dispatch from Mr. Lincoln’s war room. “We had a safety fair Saturday and Councilman Sullivan and I participated in a dunking booth. So if you missed the opportunity to dunk me and Rodney…you just missed it.”

Councilman Sullivan muttered, “I’m glad they missed it.” Clearly, he was shaken from narrowly avoiding Jody Jobson’s sustained volley. Lord knows what that man could do with a dunking booth in his crosshairs.

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“Dearest Nelly: I narrowly survived the dunking booth today. I only wish divine Providence had spared Councilman Sullivan.”

Final thoughts: Let’s just pray these boys make it home to their wives. And that the country never again sees the horror of the battlefield.*

*dunking booth

#13: Romulus, MI 5/2/16

FAST! That’s the only word to describe this week’s blink-or-you’ll-miss-it Romulus city council meeting.

In other burgs, something as explosive as rezoning would roil a council for hours. One such Romulus troublemaker stepped to the mic and gave his ultimatum to the People’s Servants: “We’re looking to keep the rezoning” on his property.

Councilman William Wadsworth approached cautiously. “You just wanna keep it for future development?”

Troublemaker: “Yes sir.”

Wadsworth: “Okay, fine.”

Bam! Done in 8.5 seconds. Let’s go, we’re burnin’ daylight!

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William Wadsworth, the Speedy Gonzales of city councilmembers

“I would like to say happy birthday,” council Chairman John Barden said, glancing sideways at the city clerk. “Clerk had a birthday Sunday.”

“21, right?!” Councilman Harry Crout exclaimed.

“Forever!” she responded punnily. But okay, seriously, let’s move on to the-

“I would like to ask council for a birthday resolution for Ronald McClellan’s 70th birthday,” Councilwoman Linda Choat bandwagoned. Yes, yes, send him a strippergram. It’s on me. Can we just get on to the mayor’s report please?

“I have a video clip to run,” Mayor LeRoy Burcroff said with zero trace of excitement. “Roger, you wanna run that and we’ll just move on from there?”

Suddenly, a perky young face appeared on the screen to rattle off the local comings and goings.

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“COMRADES, WITHOUT ROMULUS YOU ARE NOTHING.”

“Hi, everyone! I’m Jasmine. Here’s what’s coming up around Romulus: Romulus Drug Task Force bowling fundraiser is May 6. Boy Scout Troop 872 Eagle Project spaghetti dinner fundraiser is May 1o. Romulus High School bands are holding a spaghetti dinner fundraiser on May 12. Romulus Animal Shelter bowling fundraiser is May 13. Thanks and have a great week, everybody!”

(If you don’t like spaghetti or bowling, hopefully you have Netflix because there ain’t many options.)

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Mayor LeRoy Burcroff, clearly a cinephile

But it wasn’t all meatballs-and-sauce for Councilman Wadsworth. He’s jonesing for a bridge to be built on Pennsylvania Road so those godforsaken trains stop holding up the good people.

“Recently I went to buy gasoline at the Shell station. It took me 30 minutes to come back with five gallons of gas,” he fumed. “That upset me.”

A couple of years ago, they were soooo close to building the overpass. “[Former] Mayor Oakley told me ‘this looks really good’ and two weeks later he told me it all went to…south. I almost swore,” the self-censoring scion caught himself. “Pardon me. I’m sorry.”

On that apologetic note, the council meeting was adjour-

“If you’re celebrating a birthday in May, happy birthday,” Councilman Crout brought it back to the goddamn birthdays. “Roger, happy birthday.”

“I’m gonna piggyback off of Councilman Crout,” the clerk oinked. “Also we have our mayor’s birthday on May 8. So happy birthday, mayor.”

Yes, for he’s a jolly good fellow. Hip-hip-hooray. Quick, go to the recap!

Final thoughts: This place has more birthdays per capita than a Chuck-E-Cheese. I’m going to name Councilman Wadsworth the VIP for apologizing for his almost-swear. That’s what I call leadership. Good luck on getting that bridge. 4/5 stars

#12: Washington City, UT 4/27/16

Huge turnout at tiny Washington City’s council meeting! The good people of southwestern Utah filled the bleachers for one reason: the swearing in of their rugged new fire captain.

“I solemnly swear that I will support, obey, and defend the laws and ordinances of Washington City,” this hunky hero vowed.

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What a crowd!

A standing ovation erupted in the audience! Huzzahs flowed freely! And then…they all left. No doubt to serenade the town’s new beefcake with champagne and concubines. Speaking of which:

“Last Saturday we had our annual princess contest,” Mayor Ken Neilson reminded everyone. “Our princesses are currently helping out with the rodeo so they’re not able to be here.”

The celebrations kept on comin’: “On the 7th, annually we do a breakfast for the Iron Man as they come through Washington. I invite ya’ll to come help me flip some pancakes,” the mayor/chef announced.

“We better go get some candy,” a voice mumbled. “We gotta bribe the kids to like us somehow.”

“Denise can get some for you!” the mayor blurted, volunteering Denise for sugar duty.

Apparently, the city council had morphed into the party planning committee, for Councilwoman Kolene Granger had grandiose plans of Caligula-like proportions.

“I know that that they want to come and visit the council again,” she said of Dixie State University–the fightin’ Trailblazers. “I think we ought to get hats of some sort. In deference to the Rebels, the colors are gray, blue, and red.”

(Ah, yes. This year, Dixie State became the Trailblazers. They used to be the Rebels, but changed it because of cough, slavery, cough. Old mascot: racist Confederate soldier. New mascot: friendly bison!)

“I’m suggesting that we perhaps buy one of the bison and get it decorated and perhaps put city logos or city calendars on it. They’re fiberglass but kids can sit on them and we can color them the way we want,” Councilwoman Granger mused.

“I’ll put one in my front yard,” Councilman Troy Belliston chuckled. Send me one too, councilman. It’ll look great next my confederate general statue.

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Yes, who could forget the Civil War’s many bloody battles in Southwest Utah

Finally, the council had a meaty piece of business to chew on: the owner of 141 South Main Street wanted to weasel out of building a new sidewalk and gutter. Technically, the pesky rules say he has to. But no one else around him is doing it, sooooo…

“It’s gonna be sticking out there like a sore thumb,” the man sighed.

“I don’t have a problem waiving it today. But at the same time I worry because we’ve kind of waived so many that we’ve never started” building the danged gutters, Councilman Thad Seegmiller fretted.

“I agree,” the man countered with reverse-psychology jujitsu. “I have nothing against the curb and gutter. If you folks choose to have me put it in, I’ll put it in.”

Councilman Seegmiller folded like a lawn chair. “Well, mayor, I would like to see us get curb and gutter downtown, but there’s nobody with curb and gutter on his entire block.”

The honorable mayor agreed. “Don’t mess up the ditch!” he hollered. They voted to waive the curb and gutter.

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“Get your minds out of the gutter–specifically, my gutter.”

Final thoughts: With a new fire captain on duty, the council meeting was definitely not a barnburner.  I give this meeting 3 out of 5 fiberglass bison.

#11: Oklahoma City, OK 4/26/16

Friction. Discord. Tumult. For a place nicknamed “The Big Friendly,” this week’s Oklahoma City council meeting was anything but. Put on some sunscreen and drink plenty of liquids–the People’s Business is about to get heated.

It all started out smoothly enough. Telegenic Mayor Mick Cornett handed awards to the basketball team and the police department. But when Hizzoner brought up the subject of new development in the city, one councilman lit up the mic.

“It’s basically equivalent to a Ponzi scheme,” cried councilman and spinal care doctor Ed Shadid. He was enraged at developers who plopped down houses on the edge of town, forcing the city to pay for roads and such. Meanwhile, his inner city neighborhoods were crumbling. “We’re building sidewalks while neighborhoods in the core don’t have sidewalks!”

“We put public dollars in some of those places before anybody was living out there,” this modern-day Robin Hood lamented. “I have kids walking in the middle of the street” because of crappy sidewalks.

Crotchety Councilman Pete White, elected way back in 1982 when Doc Shadid was barely out of diapers, grunted, “You’re not king. I’m not king. We need to get off the conversation and into action.”

The mayor called a vote: 8-1, with Shadid and his inner city kids losing.

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This beautiful road is the reason Councilman Ed Shadid’s kids have no sidewalks.

A citizen named Amber rose to address the council. Her husband was driving in a January snowstorm when he hit a pothole that majorly banged up their car. She sent the bill to the city, but the claim was denied.

“We do have images from Google Maps from 2015 that also show the pothole was visible,” Amber said, waving the picture.

“Do you have any other evidence?” Councilman Mark Stonecipher pressed.

“In 2011 there was a city agenda that discussed repairs and improvements that needed to be done on the street,” Amber answered slyly. Hold the g–d– phone. In this very room…in front of these very people…well, I’ll let the councilman connect the dots.

“What you’re saying is we were proposing to fix the road and we did not do that for that area?”

Amber: “Yes.”

Mic dropped. Mind blown. The council agreed they should probably pay the claim.

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Methinks they could have fixed that pothole if they heeded Councilman Ed Shadid’s warning.

It was time for councilmember comments. And Councilman John A. Pettis, Jr. had some muck to rake.

“It’s been a while since I’ve given the Ward 7 sermon,” he wheezed. “Normally my sermons are an hour. But I’ll do a sermon in less than 15 minutes.”

The target of his rage was the school district. “They have not been upfront and honest with us about their intention,” he fretted. And regarding recently-dismissed superintendent Rob Neu,  “I am glad that he’s gone.”

At this point, Councilman White snapped, “I don’t think this is any of our business.”

“I’m gonna talk about it and I did talk about it,” Councilman Pettis retorted.

“You can obviously talk longer and louder than I can but it doesn’t make you right,” Councilman White growled. The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. Luckily, Councilwoman Meg Salyer grabbed her mic and rambled about the arts festival, putting everyone at ease.

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Councilman Pete White: “I’ve killed manlier men than you.”

Final thoughts: First we had councilman vs. city. Then citizen vs. city. And finally councilman vs. councilman. This was a slugfest and it wasn’t pretty. I give this meeting 4 out of 5 kids walking in the street.

#10: Delaware, OH 4/25/16

If you were passing through Delaware, Ohio, you could’ve watched “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.” No, not the Clint Eastwood movie. I’m talking about this week’s city council meeting, which was such an adrenaline-filled roller-coaster ride, pregnant women should stop reading now.

First, the good news: Delaware needs more money to par-tay! “In case you haven’t noticed, we are going to have a record number of openings of parks, etc. over the next several weeks,” assistant city manager Jacqueline Walker boasted. “To celebrate these accomplishments for the citizens, we’re trying to”–get some strippers and champagne, ya’ll!–“have an additional $9,500 to pay for these openings as well as investing in a tent that actually has the City of Delaware logo.”

Oh, hell yeah! You can do anything in a tent–start a mosh pit, pass out city-branded key chains…Delaware, you nasty! Although, there’s one thing you can’t do in the tent: sit.

“You’re gonna have a tent? What about chairs?” asked Councilman Joe DiGenova, a huge fan of tush-resting.

“The tent that we’re looking at is a small place,” the assistant city manager explained. Okay, so maybe no mosh pit. Or even a barbecue pit. You’d be lucky to have room for peach pits in there.

Next up: the bad. During public comment, resident Dwayne “My Real Name” Johnson scissor-kicked the local watering hole.

“Does the city council currently have any plans to build a full size pool?” Johnson attacked.

“Well, we have a pool at Mingo [Park],” Mayor Carolyn Kay Riggle defended.

“If you go there during the summer, you can’t find a place to put your towel down and the pool’s full,” he body slammed her argument.

Councilman George Hellinger tagged in, saying they built a splash pad at Veterans Memorial Park.

“Why would you put a splash pad in rather than a regular pool like Mingo that has a kid’s pool?” Johnson heart punched.

“Well, now all the kids will be at the splash pad,” the mayor laughed nervously, sensing the K.O.

“Adults and teenagers are not going to sit on a splash pad. That’s not gonna happen.” Boom! Down for the count. The Need-Another-Pool Avenger does a massive take down of his arch-nemesis: the Delaware City Council.

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Dwayne Johnson: slayer of giants, enthusiast of empty pools

Finally, the ugly. It seems that there’s trash mysteriously appearing downtown, and Councilwoman Lisa Keller is patient zero. “I’ve become the face of downtown trash,” she warned. “I get messages that there’s trash–with pictures–and I forward them to the city manager. I’m happy to do it, but there’s got to be a better way.”

Councilman Herrington cut in: “‘I am the face of garbage in Delaware.’ That’s a great headline.”

Assistant city manager Walker took pity on the councilwoman from the Trashpile District. “That may not be sustainable for them to come out and pick that up. I agree with you, you shouldn’t be the face of that.” Things could be worse: she could be the face of the urine-saturated Mingo Park pool instead.

Final thoughts: I’m disappointed the council did not find the obvious solution: seal the new tent, fill it up with water so Dwayne can swim in it–and in exchange for his private pool, he has to pick up trash downtown.

#9: North Las Vegas, NV 4/20/16

Las Vegas, baby! A.K.A. Sin City. Hookerville, USA. Yeezus.

This city council meeting will be Off. The. Cha-what’s that? This is North Las Vegas?! Please tell me some of the debauchery trickles across the border.

“You just opened your new church and I was there maybe two months ago,” Mayor John Lee recalled after a pastor gave the kickoff prayer. “How is it going?”

“Amazing! Lots and lots of people,” the padre eagerly responded.

“Well, that’s blessing for our community,” the mayor nodded. Well, shucks. This is going to be as wholesome as a daycare. And speaking of children, “some Rancho High School students are here. We’re going to recognize the winners of the art show.”

The council descended to the floor, as Councilman Isaac Barron launched into a weird trip down memory lane. “There used to be this one show here in town–I was almost a radio personality. There was a reggae show and the host always ended the show with saying ‘and remember, if you don’t like reggae, you don’t like life.’ In this case, I would say if you don’t like art, you don’t like life.”

Smooth, Councilman. Very smooth, mon.

The council handed an award to a moody teen who could not have looked less happy to be there. She won first prize for her performance piece, “MOM!!! You’re embarrassing me in front of my council members!”

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Did Picasso get an award from his city council? I think not!

At this point, Councilwoman Pamela Goynes-Brown had an announcement. “A couple of weeks ago the mayor and myself attended the Goodwill annual community recognition luncheon. But the good thing is-” she could barely contain her excitement as she stood up-“we all received one of these bags!” She flaunted her man-sized tote bag, which she would use to collect donations.

An aide piped up: “Mayor, also on Tuesday at the Goodwill, you will be here at 11 a.m. in a blue blazer collecting those donations.”

“Mayor, I think blue is your color,” complimented Councilman Richard Cherchio. “Maybe you can wear that bag. I think you’d look good in it.” Boom! Roasted.

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Councilwoman Pamela Goynes-Brown shows off her giant sack.

It was time for public comment. A citizen named Doris rolled up in a wheelchair and complained–very politely–about people leaving their debris in her path on the sidewalk. “How many hours does it take for somebody outside to clean up this mess?” she pleaded. “Work on making North Las Vegas a beautiful place to live. Not just better, but beautiful.”

“It’s possible we could deputize you,” Mayor Lee mused, “and give you a badge and a little red light and put you to work out there.”

“What would my role be?” Doris asked skeptically.

“Alex will figure that one out for you. You’re our favorite citizen!” the mayor said with a laugh. Oh, really? Is that how you treat your favorite citizens, mayor? By recruiting them to fight crime on the mean streets? Because if so…ALEX, MAKE HER A SUPERHERO! She shall be Debris Woman and ride a flying bulldozer.

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This is Doris. Do not f*ck with her.

Final thoughts: To paraphrase Councilman Barron, if you don’t like reggae, art, or city council meetings, you don’t like life. I give this meeting 2 stars: one for Doris and one for all the tush she’s gonna kick.