Tag: mayor

Interview #12: Jefferson City, MO Mayor Carrie Tergin

Last month was International #CityHallSelfie Day, and one particular mid-council meeting collage caught my eye:

Turns out, this artwork came from Jefferson City, Missouri’s shutterbug Mayor Carrie Tergin. We got deep into selfies, public comments, and whether mayors are important.

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Q: How many times per week do you take mayoral selfies?

A: Boy, I wish I counted! I’m a pretty active mayor. I have a big Facebook following. If I’m at an event and people see me, they say, “we want to get a selfie with the mayor!” It’s just kinda become my thing!

Q: Has anyone ever called you the Kim Kardashian of Central Missouri?

A: [Laughs] No! I’ve never, ever, ever had that impression, actually.

Q: Let’s try to make that a thing. In what circumstances other than #CityHallSelfie Day would you take a selfie during a council meeting?

A: That’s NEVER happened until City Council Selfie day. We’re at at the pre-meeting and–I have to give credit to two other council representatives: Councilwoman [Erin] Wiseman and Councilman [Ken] Hussey–both said during our pre-meeting, “did you know today’s #CityHallSelfie Day?” And I said, “What?!” That was not even on my radar! So they’re all laughing, then we went over to council chambers and took more selfies.

Q: We have some footage of those selfies:

A: When we present proclamations or if we have a group there, I always try to stop and say, “hey let’s get a picture.” Then I post it and share it. I know the council probably would say, “here she goes again, getting out her camera.” But for some people that come to city council to talk about what’s important to them, this is their moment to shine.

Q: And it might be the only time that person comes to a city council meeting, so you make it count. Which reminds me, during an interview in 2015, you said this:

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How often did you show up to comment at city council meetings?

A: Probably several times a year. As we found the city taking down some older homes, I found myself at the podium a lot.

Q: What advice would you give Carrie Tergin, the public commenter, at being better at influencing Carrie Tergin, the mayor?

A: I think the key is to be precise and…

Q: Brief?

A: Focused. Brief is part of that. People come before the council and they don’t necessarily know what they’re asking for.

Q: At council meetings, what’s the difference between being mayor and a regular council member?

A: The mayor presides over the meeting, but doesn’t have a vote unless it’s a tie. Some would say, “you don’t have a vote, so are you really that important?” Absolutely. Even a mayor without a vote still is charged with guiding the council. The [former Mayor John] Landwehr Rule was, “you’re not gonna clap and you’re not gonna boo.”

Q: As mayor, do you now see public commenters from your days as a citizen and still have a connection with them?

A: Oh, yeah. Some of those folks that, we were together championing causes back in the early to mid-2000s, we’re still saying, “wow, look at how much we’re accomplishing now.”

Q: Do you think they see you as the one who “made it?”

A: No, it’s not about me. I think what they see is that they supported me, and their support is what was key.

Follow Mayor Carrie Tergin on Twitter: @CarrieTergin

Interview #10: Hampton, VA City Council Clerk Katherine Glass

Hampton’s city council clerk had some FUN stories, so let’s get to it! Katherine Glass told me about how to get the key to the city and the time she almost clotheslined President Obama.

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Q: You’ve got a city council meeting in 48 hours–what was today like for you?

A: The mayor popped in and saw a group that does youth sports. He suggested that they come to a council meeting, but we already have three groups coming to be recognized. And two more got added. So I’ve got to figure out how we accommodate five groups and make everybody feel welcome, but we still get the business of the city done.

Q: Yeah, I don’t envy you.

A: My workflow is one week I’m getting ready for a meeting–or I’m having a meeting. We’re highly automated. I think Hampton was the second city in the country to go to iPad technology for meetings.

Q: You’re a trendsetter!

A: It came from [former] Mayor Molly Ward. She worked for the Obama administration for a while. I got to go and have lunch at the White House. Like, in the West Wing dining room! Very, very cool.

Q: Did you meet the president?

A: I wouldn’t say MEET him…we almost collided with him.

Q: You gotta tell me what happened.

A: I had just asked Molly, “do you pass Obama in the hall?” She goes, “not really.” I swear to you, not five minutes later, Molly was leading the way, [former city attorney] Cynthia [Hudson] was behind me, and I see all these men in black. And by the time I look back, Cynthia is at the intersection and he [Obama] just about runs into her.

Q: Oh, no.

A: And he says, “Hello!” She goes “Hello!” I was like, “that’s the flipping President of the United States! I could reach out and touch him!”

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Hampton, VA city council clerk Katherine Glass

Q: When you look at this city council, do you see any future White House officials? Congresspeople? A president?

A: Not in this group. I think they’re serving out of a love to the city. You’ve got two retirees…Teresa Schmidt is actually a preschool administrator…Billy Hobbs runs an automotive dealership. Everybody knows Billy. He’s just your average guy.

Q: So how do you describe your job?

A: Departments compile their information. They get it to me. I make sure it looks right and I put it in a packet. The packet goes out to council on Friday, so they have a good five days to review everything. My job while I’m at the meeting is to record their votes. I make sure the mayor signs all the new laws. I’m the funnel.

Q: “The funnel,” nice.

A: It’s an interesting job. You get calls from weird reporters that are like, “hey, I’m gonna watch your meeting.”

Q: Ugh, I hate those people.

A : Have you ever heard of Mark Malkoff?

Q: Nope.

A: He called with a bizarre request. He asked me, “what do you have to do to get the key to the city?” I’m like, I don’t know that we really have a key to the city! His thing was to do a road trip across the country and see how many keys to the city he could collect.

Q: Katherine. How does City Council Chronicles get a key to the city?

A: Something terribly creative.

Q: What about…I review your city council meeting and you mention City Council Chronicles DURING the meeting?

A: I can ask the mayor…I’ll see if Donnie can do that in his mayor’s comments.

Q: THANK YOU SO MUCH.

It’s International City Hall Selfie Day!

It’s here! It’s finally here! International #CityHallSelfie Day, which celebrates that time Moses led the Israelites to city hall and took selfies with Pharaoh–or something.

In the spirit of the holiday, City Council Chronicles will feature any selfie that is taken a.) WITH a city council member (mayors count, too) or b.) INSIDE OF a city council room. While I support neither kidnapping nor trespassing, I would point out that we are burning daylight, people.

LET’S SEE THOSE PICS!

From San Diego, California city councilman Chris Cate:

From Los Angeles city councilman David E. Ryu:

From the city of Colorado Springs, Colorado:

From the mayor on top of the fire truck’s ladder to the fact that someone even higher than him is taking his picture–to the fact that he didn’t even post HIS selfie, this is all just fantastic:

From Campbell, California, his heart is in the right place:

From Mayor Greg Stanton of Phoenix, Arizona, which we have chronicled:

Elsewhere, not in an underground war room, was Phoenix Vice Mayor Kate Gallego:

From the Mayor of Pensacola, Florida:

That sure as heck looks like a council chamber to me. From Santa Barbara, California:

From Columbia, Missouri with council member Ian Thomas:

A couple from Mayor Matt Surrency of Hawthorne, Florida:

More selfies with the cutout mayors of Las Vegas:

From Mayor Jim Lane in Scottsdale, Arizona:

From Mayor Dan Devine of West Allis, Wisconsin:

Normal, Illinois is technically a town, but that’s a disturbingly large council chamber for a mere town, so I’ll allow it:

From Kansas City, Missouri Mayor Sly James (this is my new desktop background):

From Provo, Utah Mayor John Curtis:

From city council member Dan Gookin in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho:

From the city of Folsom, California:

It’s not a city, but damned if Collierville, Tennessee wasn’t on the mother-fudging ball today:

From Palmetto Bay, Florida Mayor Engene Flinn:

From Roseville, Minnesota Mayor Dan Roe:

From Mayor BJ Murphy and city council in Kinston, North Carolina:

From the entire Kiksville, Missouri city council:

From West Linn, Oregon city council president Thomas  Frank:

From Jefferson City, Missouri councilman Ken Hussey:

From Mayor Andrew H. Scott of Coal Run Village, Kentucky. Perfect execution, your honor:

I’m hoping these people are the Johnston, Iowa city council and not a furniture delivery company:

From Lewisville, Texas council member TJ Gilmore, who took quite a selfie road trip today:

From the city of Grover Beach, California:

From the mayor’s chair in Atlanta, Texas (plot twist: this isn’t the mayor):

From the city of Tulsa, Oklahoma’s council member Anna America:

From the city of Auburndale, Florida, where weirdly only one city commissioner is taking a selfie, and this is not it:

From the city of Largo, Florida’s vice mayor Jamie Robinson:

From Gaithersburg, Maryland, the “Stepford Wives” of city councils:

From Shoreview, Minnesota councilman Cory Springhorn:

Terrific participation from Bemidji, Minnesota councilman Michael Meehlhause:

From Alder (the heck is that?) Maurice Cheeks in Madison, Wisconsin:

From Atlanta, Georgia’s city council president Ceasar Mitchell:

More from the cardboard mayors in Las Vegas:

Well, this one is from a dog. So, yeah:

This one traveled a long way: from Prince George, British Columbia, courtesy of Councilor Garth Frizzell:

This is the loop-holiest one yet, but in a brilliant way. The Shoreview, Minnesota city council meeting is ON THE MONITOR in the middle right:

Another one from Gahanna, Ohio: what looks to be city council members in the city council chamber. Score! Although is this really a selfie? I’m skeptical:

From Mayor Hillary Schieve of Reno, Nevada:

From the council chambers of Glendale, California:

With all the hubbub, I almost forgot my own selfie! From Denver, Colorado and YES–with city council members, IN the city council room:

Technically a town, not a city. But I’ll allow it. From Gilbert, Arizona with, I’m not mistaken, newly-minted Mayor Jenn Daniels:

Peekaboo from the mayor of Tigard, Oregon:

Now we’re cooking with gas! A group city council member selfie from Durham, North Carolina:

From the mayor of St. Petersburg, Florida:

From the city of Rogers, Arkansas:

From my friend in Baltimore–which, by the way, has one of my top city council chambers:

Let’s put the “inter” in International City Hall Selfie Day! This one’s from Toronto city councilor–and past City Council Chronicles interviewee–Shelley Carroll:

And another one with more councilors:

This selfie is from city hall reporter and past interviewee Dave Gong:

From Henry Parrish, III mayor of Cocoa:

Aw, yeah! Gahanna, Ohio is in the house:

Okay, Kansas, technically NOT A SELFIE and also NOT INSIDE OF the council room. But I’m not going to hold it against Jeff:

Now if you want to do a loophole correctly, follow the lead of Las Vegas:

From Mayor Justin Nickels of Manitowoc, WI:

From the city of Auburndale, FL:

 

#42: Hampton, VA 8/10/16

Major–MAJOR–bombshell at the Hampton city council meeting.

“Before we begin, I’d like to deviate from our normal agenda,” Mayor Donnie Tuck abruptly announced. “Vice Mayor, would you please read?”

“A motion to deviate from the order of business to evaluate the benefits of moving the public comment,” read Vice Mayor Linda Curtis from her notes.

Move the public comment? To where, North Carolina?! Please explain, Your Honor!

“We’ve looked at how we’ve done our public comment section in the past. There’s been a time when it was before the meeting started, then it was moved to the end of the meeting.” The mayor folded his hands.

“What we’ve decided to do was to move it to a point in our meeting where we have our public hearings–following THAT we will have public comments.”

This is madness. Insanity. I’ve never felt more scared…AND MORE ALIVE.

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Mayor Tuck is SO BUZZED from moving the public comment.

Now the fun part: “Would the representatives of the Bay River Rumble 12-and-Under Grey Softball Team please come forward?” the mayor asked as the young athletes marched down the aisle.

“These ladies recently returned from Buffalo, where they won the NSA World Series Championship for girls fast-pitch softball.” He grinned from ear to ear. “We have some backpacks for you.”

After passing out the souvenirs, the mayor again broke into a smile so contagious that Olympic athletes aren’t allowed near it. “I hope my fellow council members will pardon my exuberance but I invited another group to come down”–a summer camp for English language learners.

“We had a wonderful time,” the camp’s director told the council, surrounded by her campers. “Mayor Tuck, I just want to thank you again for inviting us–” she looked to the dais, but His Honor was already sneaking up behind her. “Here you are!” she laughed as he ambushed them with more gift bags.

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Watch out! He’s behind you! BEHIND YOU!

Finally, time for high-risk, high-reward: public comment…IN THE MIDDLE.

Guinea pig #1 was an older man who slid on his glasses and opened a red folder. “I wanna congratulate Mayor Tuck on his sex–successful election,” the commenter complimented the new mayor–and the mayor’s wife, apparently.

He took aim at, surprisingly, the public comment period itself. “I feel speakers should be heard at the beginning of the meeting. Also, they should be allowed five minutes to speak because at times you have got more to say and three minutes is not enough.” Ironically, this was not one of those times–he finished in well under three minutes.

Next up was a beefy guy who skipped congratulating the mayor for his sex and went for the jugular. “I’m in agreement with the public comments back to the beginning and I’ll tell you why. You got families with kids, you got elderly people, and you have handicapped people. To put them through two or three hours to save them for the end is just wrong. It’s ‘we the people,’ not ‘we the Hampton city council.'”

(It’s true. I’ve read the Constitution and nowhere does it mention the Hampton city council.)

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“Peekaboo.”

This Sage of Southeast Virginia left the council with a final deep thought: “the bricks out front, you need to regrout ’em.”

Final thoughts: I give 10 out of 10 stars to anybody who pays attention to the grout at their city hall.

#41: Asheville, NC 8/9/16

Anger.

Suspense.

Hemp?

These words barely scratch the surface of the cauldron of civic engagement that was the Asheville city council meeting.

It was a big day, with bonds galore! Transportation bond! Housing bond! Parks and rec bond! But first, the council needed a public hearing. Let’s roll the dice and see what the Good People have to say.

“I rise to state that there is an inconvenient truth about this so-called ‘public hearing,'” a man in a dapper white suit read from his notes. (Whenever someone labels something “so-called,” you know you’re in for a treat.)

“All this, I believe, is merely window dressing on the city council to foist a poorly-planned, unnecessary, pie-in-the-sky, $110 million financial burden upon the city,” he drawled, before socking Asheville’s bureaucrats right in the kisser. “This can become a slush fund to use as they please.”

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For someone who’s against spending money, that’s an awfully fancy pocket square.

He shuffled back to his seat. “Is there anyone else wishing to speak?” Mayor Esther Manheimer asked warily. No one in the crowded room hopped up.

“You all do know that we’re just doing bonds pretty much tonight?” she laughed nervously.

It was do-or-die time. Put-up-or-shut-up time. The vote: all three bonds passed. Easily. Like, really easily.

“Congratulations, we did our first bond package,” announced the mayor with the best poker face this side of Vegas.

Councilwoman Julie Mayfield briefly golf-clapped. “Are we allowed to clap?” she inquired after no one followed suit.

“We can look enthusiastic,” the mayor responded.

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The mayor is at peak enthusiasm.

Vice Mayor Gwen Wisler then kicked off what must have been an uncomfortable moment for three particular Ashevillians.  “We interviewed three candidates for the Sustainability Advisory Committee on Energy and the Environment just before the city council meeting.”

She whipped out a pen. “Each council member, tell me who you vote for.”

Oh, wow. This is happening now. In public.

Councilman Keith Young jumped in without hesitation. “I’m going with Emily” Boyd.

Councilwoman Mayfield agonized over her options. “These are all great candidates….It’s amazing….Tough choice.” She paused. “I am gonna go with Bridget” Herring.

“I’m gonna vote for Brad” Rouse, retorted Councilman Cecil Bothwell.

A three-way tie. What a nail-biter. I can’t watch!

“Bridget Herring,” Her Honor the mayor said without comment.

“Bridget Herring,” the vice mayor and Councilman Gordon Smith dittoed. It was a lock.

“I counted Bridget Herring,” triumphantly declared Vice Mayor Wisler. “We’ll get ahold of the candidates tomorrow and tell them.”

Uh…no offense Madam Vice Mayor, but you do realize you’re on TV, right?

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Vice Mayor: If only there were some way for people to know what’s happening at the city council…

As the meeting drew to a close, the mayor opened up public comment. And the public included a bearded man wearing shorts who talked about, well, what you would expect a bearded man in shorts to talk about.

“Hemp X Asheville is happening,” he grinned. “I hope a few or many of y’all can make it, and certainly those watching on TV as well.”

Sorry, bud. I’ll be busy watching city council meetings.

Final thoughts: I give 10 out of 10 stars to runners-up Emily Boyd and Brad Rouse, who came so close to getting the job but got, arguably, something better: a shout-out on City Council Chronicles.

#40: Lindsborg, KS 8/1/16

Wow, holy Wizard of Oz! What a humdinger of a–

Okay. I can’t do this.

I’ll level with you: if the Zapruder film and that grainy footage of Bigfoot had a lovechild, it would be Lindsborg’s city council video.

A low-res camera? Solution: put it unnecessarily far away.

The microphones barely work? Solution: talk quietly.

Most places videotape their city council meetings so the Good People can see what’s going on. Other places videotape their meetings because they FEEL like they HAVE to. News flash: if no one can understand who’s there and what they’re saying, it’s not a public service. It’s a waste of time.

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Grrr

Ranting aside, this council meeting was odd to watch because of the steady stream of solicitors offering very good, limited-time, get-a-free-t-shirt promotions.

“I just wanted to talk to you about Liberty National,” one woman ambushed the council, whipping out a stack of pamphlets. “Basically, we would just come in to see your employees–wouldn’t take long. We give everyone a $3,000 life insurance policy for themselves.”

And the deals don’t stop there! “A little more popular is our ‘cancer endurance’ policy. It has no lifetime maximum. Covers tons of things. But where it really shines is when they take chemo radiation and blood transfusions.”

With that, she promptly tossed some pamphlets on the table, grabbed her bag from the front row, and high-tailed it out the door–no doubt rushing to give the same speech to a zoning board in Wichita.

But wait, there’s more! You, the fancily dressed man. What wares have you to peddle?

“I’m with George K. Baum and Company. About a month ago we were analyzing some of the city’s debt and we found an opportunity to refund the series A 2009 [bonds]. We think we can refund those with bonds ranging from 2-3%. This is a good opportunity!”

Sign me up, boss! Give me a timeshare and some of Doctor Houlihan’s Miracle Cure-All while you’re at it.

Speaking of good opportunities, the staff at the Convention and Visitors Bureau was ready to pounce on the hottest new craze. “I’m totally clueless about this, but Pokémon GO is a big deal everywhere,” the mild mannered director explained. “Right now, I guess Lindsborg is very populated with critters to pick up, and points, and whatnot.” Her confidence was truly inspiring. The middle-aged council members stared back blankly.

“At what…2:30 in the morning? There were people out,” catching Pokémon, she marveled.

“Because there are different…Pokémon ghosts [sic],” helpfully added Councilwoman Betty Nelson.

Mayor Bill Taylor sighed. “I don’t know. I told my kids nothing good happens after midnight!” The whole room nodded and laughed in approval. You hear that, Pokémon ghosts? You stay away from those Taylor kids!

Final thoughts: Lindsborg, you seem nice. Let’s talk again when you get a new AV system, k?

10 Toronto City Council Facts to Impress Your Friends and Potential Mates

It was an electrifying week to embark on our first international city council review! Less electrified was my accountant, who has since advised me to “never, ever fly First Class to Canada again, you moron.”

Anyhow, there was waaaaay too much cool stuff about the Toronto city council to mention. So I’ll mention it all here in the form of a handy list.

1. They start very patriotically.

In the U.S., council meetings usually kick off with the Pledge of Allegiance and occasionally a prayer. In Toronto, a choir sings the Canadian national anthem on top of a sweeping video montage. Come on, America, where’s our inspirational stock footage?!

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2. The mayor’s there!

In big cities, it’s unusual for the mayor to be in the room with the council. It’s even more unusual for the mayor to vote on the council. But in Toronto, the mayor is basically the 45th councilor.

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3. HUGE. NAME. PLACARDS.

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4. They don’t look at each other.

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Here’s an odd thing to watch: when councilors are asking questions to city staff, SOMETIMES they make eye contact like normal human beings. But usually, councilors don’t bother turning to look!

“There’s very few councilors who don’t know exactly where their camera is,” Councilor Shelley Carroll told me. “You pretty much get your media training on the job pretty fast.”

5. They can’t talk directly to people.

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“Hey, Michael, what do you mean by that?” you might ask.

And if I were a Toronto city councilor, I would respond, “Through the speaker, they talk to each other by saying ‘through the speaker.'”

Explained Carroll: “You’re not supposed to take somebody on. Canadian cities try to treat themselves like they’re a House of Commons.” Yes, we wouldn’t want councilors to confront each other…any more than they usually do (see below).

6. They vote DING DING while a chime DING DING rings.

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When councilors vote with their machines, they hear a steady pulsating chime–imagine an autotuned version of a garbage truck’s back-up beeper. It’s kind of hypnotic. I wonder if anyone has dozed off while voting.

 7. A lot of people ACTUALLY watch.

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8. You don’t get to talk forever.

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Councilors have a time limit on asking questions. The speaker butts in when they are done to say, “that was your last question.” And then she cuts their mic! Given how Toronto’s council meetings often stretch into double-digit hours, you better believe time limits are necessary. But I have yet to see another council that plays stopwatch cop like this.

9. They are very polite.

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Of course they’re polite–this is Canada! There were so many “sorrys” that I lost count. Like in this exchange between Councilor Josh Colle and the deputy city manager:

Colle:  What has been the increase in property taxes collected?

DCM: $303 million, I believe.

Colle: Sorry, that’s TTC fares.

DCM: No, sorry, that’s property taxes.

Colle: You might have it the other way around?

DCM: Sorry.

On the other hand,

10. They openly bicker.

The council has a “bylaw,” which members invoke if they think someone is behaving poorly–for example, by insulting the staff. Councilors can also challenge Speaker Frances Nunziata on her rulings. In return, the speaker sometimes snaps at them about wasting time and keeping the noise level down. During the Rob Ford shenanigans, antics were even worse:

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Interview #7: Toronto, ON Councilor Shelley Carroll

No one is better equipped to give us the director’s commentary on the Toronto city council meeting than longtime councilor and Twitter powerhouse Shelley Carroll.

She told me the scoop on Rob Ford, council drama, and her fantasy hockey team.

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Q: How many people usually show up to watch? And follow-up question: how many moose usually show up?

A: It’s been a while since we’ve had a moose. In terms of how many “municipal nerds” are there–

Q: Your phrase, not mine.

A: We have a lot of bloggers–the councilors call them Twitterati. There’s about a dozen of them. If we’re doing something with taxis or Uber, there’s 500-600 people in there. The lowest it ever gets is around 50-70 people.

Q: You are the deputy speaker. I saw what the speaker does and it looks exhausting. What does the deputy speaker do?

A: In my case the deputy speaker doesn’t do a whole heck of a lot.

Q: Nice!

A: The speaker you saw is very, very possessive about being in that chair. She had a rough time during the Rob Ford years. She asked to be speaker again under a new mayor and it was a tough vote. She almost didn’t make it. She is doing a pretty good job with a pretty crazy council.  But I’m lucky if I get to be in the chair ten minutes a day.

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Toronto, ON Councilor Shelley Carroll

Q: Oh boy, you mentioned He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Obviously the Rob Ford scandal was a tough time for everyone–except late night comedians. After the crack-smoking news got out, were council meetings more hostile?

A: Definitely. Oftentimes he wan’t the most hostile force in the room. His brother was.

Q: When the council was debating what to do with Rob Ford, one reporter tweeted this:

Is that true?

A: Yeah. By the time we were taking his powers away, it was petty on all sides. I’ve been in office since 2003. That two weeks leading up to taking Rob’s powers away were the most “together” council has ever been. He was just completely humiliating us. That was right after he said the horrible thing about his wife to the media.

Q: I saw the video, yes.

A:  I spent a lot of time on Twitter inoculating myself from their bullying.  “Don’t mess with me or I’ll tweet it!”

Q: Are there any councilors you do not like? You don’t have to name–

A: Giorgio Mammoliti.

Q: Noted. Now, suppose the Montreal city council challenged you to a game of hockey. Which five Toronto city councilors would you pick for your team?

A: Oddly, I probably would take Giorgio Mammoliti. He would throw them for a loop the whole time.

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We’d probably match them wit for wit, so we’d have to take Gord Perks.

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I would take Janet Davis. Councilor Davis is obsessed with reading every word of every report. She would read about a year’s worth of every agenda in the Montreal council. She would lay waste to them.

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We’d take Josh Matlow because he’s a part-time Montrealer and he would beat them on their own level.

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My one more pick, I would take Joe Cressy. He’s just the youngest and most nimble person on council. So he would whip their ass athletically.

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Q: I’m a bit surprised that a Canadian just said “ass,” but I’ll let it slide.

Follow Councilor Shelley Carroll on Twitter: @shelleycarroll

#9: North Las Vegas, NV 4/20/16

Las Vegas, baby! A.K.A. Sin City. Hookerville, USA. Yeezus.

This city council meeting will be Off. The. Cha-what’s that? This is North Las Vegas?! Please tell me some of the debauchery trickles across the border.

“You just opened your new church and I was there maybe two months ago,” Mayor John Lee recalled after a pastor gave the kickoff prayer. “How is it going?”

“Amazing! Lots and lots of people,” the padre eagerly responded.

“Well, that’s blessing for our community,” the mayor nodded. Well, shucks. This is going to be as wholesome as a daycare. And speaking of children, “some Rancho High School students are here. We’re going to recognize the winners of the art show.”

The council descended to the floor, as Councilman Isaac Barron launched into a weird trip down memory lane. “There used to be this one show here in town–I was almost a radio personality. There was a reggae show and the host always ended the show with saying ‘and remember, if you don’t like reggae, you don’t like life.’ In this case, I would say if you don’t like art, you don’t like life.”

Smooth, Councilman. Very smooth, mon.

The council handed an award to a moody teen who could not have looked less happy to be there. She won first prize for her performance piece, “MOM!!! You’re embarrassing me in front of my council members!”

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Did Picasso get an award from his city council? I think not!

At this point, Councilwoman Pamela Goynes-Brown had an announcement. “A couple of weeks ago the mayor and myself attended the Goodwill annual community recognition luncheon. But the good thing is-” she could barely contain her excitement as she stood up-“we all received one of these bags!” She flaunted her man-sized tote bag, which she would use to collect donations.

An aide piped up: “Mayor, also on Tuesday at the Goodwill, you will be here at 11 a.m. in a blue blazer collecting those donations.”

“Mayor, I think blue is your color,” complimented Councilman Richard Cherchio. “Maybe you can wear that bag. I think you’d look good in it.” Boom! Roasted.

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Councilwoman Pamela Goynes-Brown shows off her giant sack.

It was time for public comment. A citizen named Doris rolled up in a wheelchair and complained–very politely–about people leaving their debris in her path on the sidewalk. “How many hours does it take for somebody outside to clean up this mess?” she pleaded. “Work on making North Las Vegas a beautiful place to live. Not just better, but beautiful.”

“It’s possible we could deputize you,” Mayor Lee mused, “and give you a badge and a little red light and put you to work out there.”

“What would my role be?” Doris asked skeptically.

“Alex will figure that one out for you. You’re our favorite citizen!” the mayor said with a laugh. Oh, really? Is that how you treat your favorite citizens, mayor? By recruiting them to fight crime on the mean streets? Because if so…ALEX, MAKE HER A SUPERHERO! She shall be Debris Woman and ride a flying bulldozer.

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This is Doris. Do not f*ck with her.

Final thoughts: To paraphrase Councilman Barron, if you don’t like reggae, art, or city council meetings, you don’t like life. I give this meeting 2 stars: one for Doris and one for all the tush she’s gonna kick.